This chapter of my life

I have a feeling that this one may be long. Its been ongoing for a few months now, and its something that I sometimes struggle with and just recently have learned to accept.

When I got pregnant with my first child, I was working full time as a Counselor at a residential treatment facility. When I was 6 months along, the facility closed down and I was laid off. I was able to collect severance pay and by the end of that I was ready to pop and wasnt really in any condition to be job hunting, so I stayed home. Then when I got pregnant with my second child, I continued to stay home with both of them. It was wonderful for me and I wouldnt have had it any other way. Looking back, it probably wasnt the best choice for our whole family, because of the money strain. Anyway, things went on and I ended up getting a divorce. At that point, the kids were 2 and 3. I had no choice but to head back to work. I found the kids a daycare, and off we went into a new phase of our lives. The kids thrived in daycare. They learned so much and got to spend time with other kids their age.
I had to take a step backwards from my Counselor position that I once held, and went back to an entry level position in the same field. Needless to say, it wasnt the same wonderful job that I remembered it being. Years had passed from the last time I had worked, and times were different. It still had its rewarding points, but it just wasnt the same atmosphere. I decided to find another line of work, it was time for a change.
In this time I also met Rusty. He was working and living 40 minutes away when we met.
I got a job as an Advertising Rep. at the Sentinel. This was a completely new area for me. I had worked in sales and in the Psych field, but never before the Media field. I was creative and personable enough, so this job was a breeze. Just what I needed!!
Things progressed with Rusty and I, and before long, he moved in with us, we were engaged, got married, and had a baby on the way. When Max arrived, I was fully intending on doing my 3 month maternity leave and then heading back to work. Well, it didnt happen like that.
Now, here I am, 6 years later and Im still staying at home. Max never went to daycare like my other two, but he did go to Preschool when he was 5. We tried to do the Kindergarten thing, but he wasnt ready for it. He had just turned 5, and I decided that Preschool first would be a better path. It was a hard transition for him. He was so used to staying home and being with me that by the time he was 5, he just didnt want to leave. He had fun in preschool and he enjoyed playing with the kids, but nearly every day was a battle to get him to stay there. In hindsight, I think I should have stayed home for a few years with him and then got him on the same path that my other two went on. Six years was just too much, for him and for me.
Now, he is in Kindergarten and doing very well. We had a few moments in the beginning where he still wanted to be a stay-at-h0me-kid, but now he jumps out of the truck, happy and ready to go to school. Me, on the other hand, well, Im still in the same position I have been in for 6 years. Its not for lack of trying. I have applied for several jobs, and even interviewed a couple times. I used to be "that" person who could find a job she wanted, interview for it, and get it on the spot. Now, that person seems to be gone forever. Now, Im the person who finds a job she likes, interviews for it, and gets told that someone was better qualified. Again, I think the 6 years was just too long. There must be a certain amount of years that are "safe" to do, and then you cross into no mans world, and people dont want you. For me, staying home for 3 years was ok, but 6 has royally screwed me when it comes to getting back into the work world.
Maybe Im being too negative, too hard on myself. Maybe the job for me just hasnt come along yet. Maybe maybe maybe....
All I know is that I have really beat myself up over this transition. Ive blamed myself to no end. I thought it would be so easy to find a job. I have experience, I have a degree, and Im still me, still smart, personable, and able to do a good job at whatever I set my mind to. But, boy, was I wrong! It has been hard, very very hard. I still dont really know why, or understand it, but I am finally able to stop beating myself up about it, able to stop thinking that Im not wanted or needed or worthy. The perfect job for me will come! Right? lol
Until then, I will try to think of this time as a blessing, a time to prepare myself for my next big life transition. Ive been home for 6 years, thats a long time. I am ready for the next chapter of my life to begin, whenever that may be....

xoxo
S