After two years of being a zombie and living for other people, I am now back to being me. I still have some lingering issues stemming from grief that I am constantly working on each and every day but for the most part, I feel like myself again, I feel content and free. I dont know where life is going to take me now, but Im ready!! <3
Life. Well, life as I know it for the past 4, almost 5, months has pretty much centered around Leo and making all of the new adjustments to having a baby around after 10 years of not having a baby around. It took a lil bit to get into the swing of things, but now we have a schedule and things are pretty normal. Well, as normal as they ever get in my house. lol
Leo is getting big and is always trying to do things that he should be doing a month from now!! That doesnt stop him though!! He already has two teeth, he is "this" close to sitting up, he blows spit bubbles and thinks its hilarious, hes in the Stranger Fear stage which is not fun at all and makes my family think he hates them which makes me mad cuz hes just a baby and doesnt know what hate is duh, he smiles and laughs, he eats food, he grabs everything, he pulls hair, he screams at the top of his lungs for no reason, and his latest trick is arching his back out of nowhere. Its sad that I only have a few weeks left of being home all day with him, then its back to school and..............hopefully work. Trusting someone else to care for him is a big issue with me. I get anxiety when I think about it. Ugh. Thats normal though, right?
High school. Yes, I now have not one, but two kids in high school. Seriously, how did I get this old? I find myself constantly thinking about how I am going to react to things and how to parent during these teenage years. I remember how I was and it makes me want to pull my hair out. I wasnt a bad kid but I did dumb stuff. It will be a learning process FOR SURE!!
Soccer. Well, it wasnt the sport I had in mind all of these years. Basketball was. But Ive really grown to love it and Im sure once I fully understand it, Ill only love it more. I love love love that I finally have a kid who plays sports though!! Of course its my girl, Hannah!!! Girls rule and boys drool!! ;) Ok ok, Ill grow up now. Actually, Max is going to start playing soccer this fall so that makes two!!! Woohoo!!! I still hold out hope that Leo will be my basketball star!!! hehe
Hopefully work. Did that slip past anyone unnoticed? Well, once again Im in limbo. Ill just have to wait and see what happens with this. My crystal ball is in the shop so I cant see the future right now. Things always find a way to work out, one way or another, so Im hoping this time will be no different.
The second anniversary of Angel Owens birth/death has past. I had anxiety leading up to it. Thats my style. I always seem to anticipate the worst and then once it happens, Im thankfully let down and it wasnt as bad as I had thought it would be. I still miss him every single day, but I honestly feel like Leo is connected to Owen and that helps me.
Animals. My gosh, as if I didnt have enough animals before, now I have even more!! (haha I rhymed) We have added Mocha and Shep to our brood. Mocha is a Cocker mix, hes brown and hes a lil bit pudgey, lmao. I rescued him from my favorite place outside my home, my local animal shelter. Shep is a Shepherd puppy and hes technically hubbys dog. He is also a rescue dog from my local animal shelter. One look at him and I knew he was meant for hubby.
I think thats about all thats new and the latest going on with me!! I gotta run!! Leo just woke up from his nap!!
Geez, I just realized I hadnt even blogged about Leo being born!!
It was a pretty smooth labor and delivery. Not bad for an old gal, eh?? lol Labor started about 11:30pm and once the clock struck midnight, the contractions got pretty close together. I woke the hubby up and then continued to putz around the house getting things done before I had to leave........of course, I had to keep pausing during a contraction and then quickly do something in the three minutes I had until the next one. lol I eventually called my mom and she came to my house. Then we were on our way. We got to the hospital at 2:30am and I was in my room at 3am. They were quite busy!!! The pain got intense at about 4:30am and I got some Fentanyl. Good good good stuff!! lol Of course, it wore off by the time things got really painful!!! Grr!!! I went from 5cm to 9.5cm in about an hour. The doctor barely made it into the room in time!! I was ready to go with or without him!!! Baby Leo arrived at 5:35am on 2/17/2012 weighing 8 lbs 10 oz and measuring 21 1/4 in long!! :) We went home the next morning.
He is such a beautiful blessing and we are all enjoying him very much!! His brothers and his sister are so proud of him and so smitten with him. Everyone is so excited he is here!! We all waited for him for so long!!
Ive been struggling and last night I finally figured out why.
When you lose a baby, it is devastating and heartbreaking and something you never get over. Even if you know you are going to lose the baby, the pain and grief are just the same as not knowing. I went to the hospital with Owen knowing he was gone. Being admitted to the hospital pregnant and then being discharged from the hospital and leaving without a baby in your arms........its unexplainable. The emptiness just doesnt ever seem to leave you. Time stands still. You are left without total closure. Your mind still expects that baby to appear in your arms. But he never does.....
It wasnt until last night that I realized my mind is still waiting for that baby. Even though there is a new baby, my mind is still waiting on the other baby.
So here I am. Im rejoicing the arrival of Leo, but Im mourning the departure of Owen.......again. Im happy, but Im sad. Im content, but I feel guilty. I feel alone, but I wont let anyone in. Im exhausted and drained, but I want to do it all myself.
Im a mess. I told ya.
I dont know if this makes me sound like a horrible person, or if anyone can relate. I just had to get it out. I just wish it helped more......
Til next time...... (hopefully a happier topic, right?)