Monday, September 30, 2013

Equal Parts of Shady







They say "blood is thicker than water". HA!! After the dealings I have had with both water and blood this past year, I'd say, it doesn't freakin matter which someone is, both can be just as shady as the other, and just as out for themselves as the other, and just as much a liar, user, mooch as the other. Water might be easier to cut out of your life. But when ya have a dysfunctional family like I do, blood is actually easy as well. Good rittens to you both!! I have zero tolerance and zero need for people like you in my life. I hope that you are happy with your behavior and your results. After all, IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU, right??? Poof.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

My Angel Sisco

Do you ever look at something 500 times a day and yet you don't always SEE it?? I just had that happen tonight. I have my favorite picture of Sisco as the desktop wallpaper on my laptop. I am on my laptop off and on all day, every day. I look at my wallpaper every time I open my laptop. Tonight, I SAW it. I immediately started crying. It was his eyes that caught my attention. They were the kindest, gentlest eyes I have ever looked into. He always seemed to understand me and accept me. I had a friend send me a picture quote the other day that said, "That one horse that helped you realize who you really are." That was Sisco. I had dreamt of having a Palomino my whole life. I found him and he was perfect. He was all I ever wanted. I got to spend 3 years with him. He taught me so much about myself and about life and about horses. He had Impressive in his bloodlines, which has a disease known as HYPP running rampant through it. He was supposed to be ok though. His dad was negative. His mom was negative. He was supposed to be negative. I never had him tested because both parents were negative. Looking back, we saw the signs. We just always thought he was negative so we never worried about it too much. He never had anything major happen to him, a few twitches and tremors. The last day he was alive, it was strange. We thought he was colicing, but it was different than we had seen with Mac when he coliced. We gave him a Banamine shot and he was eating and acting ok. Our vet was out of town, so she couldn't come out to see him. By morning, he was gone. It was literally the worst day of my life. I am still not over it and I don't think I ever will be. He had a huge impact on me in a way that nobody else could. We had an unmistakable connection. I talk to him every day. He is watching over me and his brothers, Mac and Trader. I wish I could have had more time with him, but I can honestly say that I will cherish the time I had with him more than anything in this world. I wish that he could have spent more time with Mac, and gotten to know Trader. I love you so much, Sisco, and always, always, always will!!
xoxo
S

Catchin Up on Lost Blogging Time

I shut down my blog for a while. I had a lot of things to sort out in my life and in my head. I didn't like the person I had become. I didn't like the things I felt and the feelings I shared. So, I decided a few things. One, to get rid of the hundreds of "friends" and only have the forty or so REAL AND TRUE friends. Two, to shut down any place that I found I was over-venting all of the negative crap that was going on in my life. Well, I am happy to report that thanks to my hubby doing something that I did not have the courage to do. I have found something out that has been the MAJOR factor in myself beating myself up this past year or two. What I found out was what I had hoped in my heart of hearts but I never was able to get affirmation of this. My hubby was. Once I knew that what I had so wanted to be true really was true, everything just fell into place. The cloud was lifted. My strength was officially regained and now I won't let anything stop me or hold me back. It's sad that I spent a year beating myself up and being blacklisted and treated like I had the plague, but at least now I know. No more lurking in the shadows and pushing someone else to thrive and not getting credit for anything because it would be a blow to their ego. No more having things taken away from me. So, today I am playing CATCH UP on all of my lost blogging time. Yes, some things I blog about will be about past events, but with a different angle. You can't pretend your past didn't happen. You have to learn from it, and it's ok to share what you have learned. Through my sharing I have found others in similar circumstances, and together we bond and grow stronger. It really does help knowing you aren't alone.

Oh, and one more thing. I'M BACKKK!!!!!

xoxo,
S

Life Lesson













It took me a long time to realize this. It took some mistakes. I gave people chances that didn't deserve them. I let myself be pushed down. I stopped letting ME shine. I put someone else's life before mine. I was grieving and I lost myself. They were more than happy to take advantage, like they do with everyone. No matter what I had to go through to get to where I am now, it is the LESSON LEARNED that is most important!! Never stop learning and growing as a person. Make mistakes, but be able to admit them and learn from them. Life is like a sifter. It will sort apart the true and real people in your life, from the nasty lying using scoundrels. And, honestly, TIME does make everything alright.

xoxo,
S

hehe




















I want this shirt. I want it now. lmao

My Horses
















My therapy. My freedom. My joys. My happiest place on earth. My boys.

Mac. The strong, silent type. He is so sassy and fast and strong. He loves to show off his stuff and play!! When I tell him to kiss his Momma though, he never hesitates to give me his head!!

Trader. He chose me. He is an amazing horse. He is a thinker so he can be stubborn, but he trusts me, and I can tell. He is a really fast learner!! He loves to be by my side and I wouldn't have it any other way!!

xoxo,
S

My Angel Owen

 This picture means so much to me for so many reasons. It contains Owen's urn and a wiggle worm rattle that we got for him before we knew we were going to lose him. It contains a Willow Tree Angel of Mine memory box that a dear friend that I met through my journey with Owen gave to me. She and I shared a path that was so similar, both of our babies had the same diagnosis, both of our babies were bo...rn still within a day of one another, both of our angels are now playing in Heaven together, and both of our angels now have big brothers. Leo is the final thing this picture contains. He is represented by the lions, for courage.  All of these things sit atop the armoire that my wonderful hubby began building for Owen, and finished building for Leo. I have a couple of friends who share things from the Prayers for Corbin page on Facebook. I have read them each time I see them shared but it wasn't until today that I saw the reason for Corbin's passing. I haven't told anyone this before because it was so personal to me and because I felt responsible in some way for it happening. Even though I knew in my heart that it wasn't my fault and that there was nothing that could have been done to prevent it, I still have held it tight and kept it quiet. It needs to be let out so that I can be free from this weight on my shoulders. Now that I have a page that only has those people that I feel closest to and that I trust, now is the time. Like Corbin, Owen was diagnosed with Trisomy 13. We were told that he wouldn't survive and that if he went to term that he wouldn't be born alive. We were told in such a way that it was like the doctor was slipping us a quote for a car or something, so flippant, so disregarding of our feelings and what this news did to us. Thankfully I had the best OB on the planet and she asked me how I wanted to handle the pregnancy knowing that it would take a miracle for Owen to be ok. I said simply, I want my baby and myself to be treated like any other patient of yours. I don't want the feeling of doom and gloom when I come into the office. I am a realist and I don't try to convince myself of something that I know is nearly impossible. I held onto a glimmer of hope that by some miracle, the ultrasound was wrong, that he was ok. He acted like a normal baby while he was in my tummy. His only indicator on the ultrasound was one club foot. That was it. Amniocentesis confirmed that that one indicator was indeed something more, a fatal, rare genetic disorder that not many people are even aware of. I wasn't. I am now and I am hearing more and more about it now that I am aware. I have spoken with friends who have also lost a baby, but this is the first time that I am going public with exactly why our precious Owen was born still at 35 weeks. When Leo was born, he was the spitting image of Owen. I literally wailed when I held him for the first time. I am certain that Owen and Leo share a connection. Leo hugs and kisses a picture of Owen. It's the only picture he does that with. They have the same nose, the same lil stinker attitude. I know that a part of Owen lives on in Leo, as well in our hearts, and that his diagnosis brought good things to me that I never would have gotten without it, a dear sweet friend, a knowing and compassion that I never would have had for a disorder that I never knew existed, and a greater appreciation for Leo than I ever could have had without knowing how easily he could have been taken away and a greater appreciation for him knowing that he will always carry something so incredibly special with him, his baby brothers nose, and sassy attitude, and his memory.
xoxo
S

True Dat.


KARMA




















I have learned that you have to be patient with Karma. She takes her time. She lets things build. She gives you time to mourn, grieve, adjust to a new way of living after something traumatic has happened to you at the hands of someone else. But, do not doubt her. She will serve those what they deserve. And maybe, she will let you watch. With popcorn. hehe

Be You.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Be me. I'm always me. I'm not an optimist. I'm not a pessimist. I'm a realist. I don't follow. I don't copy. I have my own ideas. Some people get me. Other people don't. I have faults and I can admit them. I'm stubborn, but I'm also able to admit when I'm wrong. I'm random. I say what I think. I have no filter. I'm weird, I'm sarcastic, I'm witty, I'm funny. You always know where I stand and usually it's where not many other people have the courage to be. Be honest. Be true. Be real. Be you.
xoxo,
S

Smart Baby

Leo. He is 19 months old. He can say A,B,C,D,I,J,K. He knows almost all of his body parts and can point to them and say the name of them too. He knows a few colors. He knows a couple shapes. He can put his own shoes on, and his own pants. He knows up and down. He replies with MEAN, if I say OWWWW. lol He knows what an elephant, lion, cow, horse, chicken, cat, dog, penguin, snake, bear, fish is and... what sound they all make. He knows my routine of taking the dogs out. Heck, he knows pretty much all of my routines. If I say I'm doing something, he is in front of me already starting to do it. He can follow one-step directions, sometimes two-step. His fine and gross motor skills are amazing. He loves books!! He can do a somersault and has been able to for many months. He watches things and knows how to do them instantly. He is way too smart for me!!!!! What the heck............am I gonna do???? lmao

Practice What You Preach














I give people chances. Too often too many chances. I want to believe people are good and caring. The Psych side of me wants to believe that if someone has an issue they will want to change it and improve. There are certain things about people that I keep my mind open to. Religion is one of them. I am a huge huge huge question person and I have alot of science in me but I still enjoy learning about... the side that I didn't have alot of growing up, the religious side. In a way I hold people that recite proverbs and excerpts from the Bible to a higher standard. I expect them to be a shining example of what they preach to others. Some truly are. The majority, it seems, are not. They are false. They preach preach preach and throw out Bible this and Bible that. They walk through those church doors every Sunday or Saturday or Wednesday. I'm honestly amazed that they don't burst into flames. If you look closely at this type of person you will see what a scoundrel they are, how they feel superior to people, how they hold others they deem unworthy down, how they use and instigate and manipulate. I am not a religious person, nor am I a perfect person, but I am pretty certain that isn't how God would want His stuff played out.

Just as the nasty people appear to be banding together just out of utter nastiness and because anyone truly good in their life has banished them so they have no one left but fellow nasties...........those of us truly good folk are forming a bond and gaining strength as a unit out of compassion for one anothers experiences with the nasties and are no longer holding back from letting everyone know that we are strong and you cannot hurt us anymore . GOOD will prevail!!!!

xoxo,
S