Take Care of You

People say I am strong. I even call myself strong. At times though, it can be a blessing and a curse. When you combine it with other things going on in life that have you completely rattled to your core, it tends to be more of a curse than a blessing. In the end though, it usually comes back around to being a blessing.

This past weekend was a whopper for me. Things have been building up inside and have been confusing and when I cant figure stuff out, that is no bueno. Im usually strong and independent and self assured and even sometimes pretty confident. So, when things are going on and they effect all of those traits that define me, its basically an emotional shitfest inside my head. I still havent completely worked through all of the stuff bouncing around in my head, but I have started on it. I am trying to understand it. I am trying to get it figured out and sorted out so that I can stop feeling like this. Im not sure yet what the magic ingredient is. I know what some of the components are and some I can fix on my own, but some involve other people and well, I cant fix that on my own. We will see whether or not they wanna help or hinder. Here is what I know so far.... 

This past weekend, I am pretty sure I had what they call a Nervous Breakdown. I cannot for the life of me figure out why they call it that because I felt angry, sad, confused, lost, helpless, hopeless............at no time did I feel nervous. Lets just call it a Breakdown then, shall we?? Its my blog, so yeah, I can do that. I could feel it all welling up over time. Its so confusing to me, and such a strange place for me to be, that I have had a hell of a time sorting it all out and putting it all to words and trying to make sense of it all so that I can figure out how to move forward. I did what I normally do and got quiet while I tried to have talks with myself in my head. Well, the talks werent working so I went for a drive. I had a mission and that mission failed miserably right in front of my freaking eyes and after that.................BREAKDOWN. Suddenly, I felt such rage and such sadness and such utter loss and despair. I found myself having a very loud conversation with myself that was NOT in my head. I was screaming and crying and punching my steering wheel and trying to figure out WHY WHY WHY!?!??!?!?!? Well, I guess just the venting out loud and not necessarily having to make sense, just saying words and thoughts and feelings out loud to get them all out of my head and into the universe so that maybe I can start to get a grip on all of it and figure it out and move forward.....helped. Some things poured out that I didnt even know were in my head needing to come out, but there they were, being yelled out in my truck. Hmm. Well, ok then. I hadnt completely admitted to myself that that was part of my issues, I guess, but it was and it turned out to be one that was at the forefront and thankfully it was one that I could control myself. Yay!! A little bit of progress!!!! So, after I got done yelling out things, I realized I was basically tattling on myself. I had changed. I had allowed myself to change. I had become someone that definitely was not me and someone that I couldnt even stand. I had let something that made ME............me.........go and that was unacceptable!!! I am NOT a wallflower, I am not a follower, I am not meek and mild, I am not someone to be put under someones thumb, I am not someone to ask permission or be told how to live MY life!!!! So, first step.......get that part of me back right that freakin moment. Check. Next step, for the love of God, learn how to control situations rather than REACTING to them. HOLY WOW, thats a big one for me, so that one will take some time. My lil rager in my truck was actually therapeutic because I had apparently had A LOT built up, but in the future, I would rather be able to control and not react. Another step, dont punch your steering wheel. That thing is solid and that shit hurts. I dont think we need to elaborate further on that one. Id like to say I will throw in not throwing shit (see what I did there lol), but Id be lyin and for the most part, throwin shit it pretty harmless as long as ya got good aim and can replace the thing yer throwin without much cost LOL Sorry, not sorry. Some things are carved in stone, baby!!! ;) Ok, so after all of that went down in my truck, I felt pretty calm. I was at peace with some shit that I had needed to be at peace with for a long time. The "other people" stuff still remains, but there aint a whole lot I can do about that. I just need to focus on myself and being ME and never again allowing myself to stray from who I am or how I choose to live MY life. 

So, thats that. I had that personal situation rattling around in my head for a few days now and thought Id blog about it. Everyone has feelings. Everyone has emotions. All feelings are valid. I tell other people that all the time. I should have been tellin myself that so my lil breakdown could have been avoided. But hey, what they say is true, when ya hit bottom, the only other way ya can go is back up, and thats exactly what Im gonna do!!! Remember, Im strong. I will still stumble, but strong doesnt mean perfect or indestructible. 

Ive got some baby chicks to go love on now!!! Take care of YOU!!! 

Til next time....