Sunday, December 1, 2013
I have often wondered, after encountering my fair share of liars, if they are this way with everyone else, or with just me..........and, if other people don't realize they are liars, or if they ignore it, or if they simply just allow and accept it. I find it hard to believe that someone who is such an avid liar can turn it on and off depending on who he is talking to. Or she, as the case can also be. If that is the case, then it's obvious that they know full well what they are doing and saying and that they know right from wrong, but just choose wrong with some people. I think that would take far too much effort. But, then again, so does lying. Can you imagine having to keep a story straight based on all the lies you tell?? I guess it would probably be easier to do in this day and age when nearly all of our communication is in written form. But, still the question remains......do they lie to everyone or just certain people? You have to wonder. It would almost make sense that they only lie to certain people. Otherwise, how would they have anyone who actually loved them and stayed by their side?? Unless someone is a fan of lying, then they would stay. I just can't wrap my head around it. I guess ya have to be a liar to understand it. In that case, I am glad I don't understand it. I just wish everyone would call liars out on their shit and stop allowing this crap. But that will never happen. Sooooooooooo, I will just say to the liars out there.............you're not fooling me; enjoy those who enjoy your lies, because you're incredibley lucky to have anyone in your life; maybe for a change of pace you could think about those you hurt with your lying ways; maybe for a change you could stop pretending to be this wonderful person when, in fact, all you are is a liar; maybe you could grow the hell up and be an adult for once in your life.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Self righteous, entitled, holier than thou, egotistical, narcissistic, fake, dishonest, phony, manipulative, scheming, conniving, disloyal, pathetic, disgusting, two faced, and on and on....
People that make EVERYTHING about them because, after all, its ALL about them, no matter if its nothing about them, its ALL about them.
I really cannot stand most people. I really really really really just want out of here.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
I like to share things I learn about life through my own experiences and this is something I have learned lately. It doesn't matter how much all the crappy bad people have or how they have wronged us, and we shouldn't focus on that. They will get what they deserve. They will. Honestly, you guys and myself are the ones who REALLY have it all!!!!!!! We have eachother and when we have real, caring, and truth in our lives, and once we allow ourselves to REALIZE all the GOOD we have, all the OTHER crap just sifts itself away.
I was just reminded how happy and thankful I am for you guys...........my real, true, honest, genuine, compassionate, empathetic, remorseful, sweet, kind, humble, amazing friends!!!!!!!!!!!!! You guys know the true meaning of friendship. I love y'all and without you guys I wouldn't have gotten past a few humps the past couple years have thrown at me. So thank you and never once forget that you have a friend in me.
Y'all also stuck by my side at a time when even I wouldn't have wanted to be around me. lol I can be a handful. I can be stubborn. I can obsess. I can stew over things. I can get pretty fired up when people get wronged and want justice. I'm pretty sure I was an outlaw in another life. hehe In time though, I see the light and I get a handle on what I need to focus on. ;)
Monday, September 30, 2013
They say "blood is thicker than water". HA!! After the dealings I have had with both water and blood this past year, I'd say, it doesn't freakin matter which someone is, both can be just as shady as the other, and just as out for themselves as the other, and just as much a liar, user, mooch as the other. Water might be easier to cut out of your life. But when ya have a dysfunctional family like I do, blood is actually easy as well. Good rittens to you both!! I have zero tolerance and zero need for people like you in my life. I hope that you are happy with your behavior and your results. After all, IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU, right??? Poof.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Do you ever look at something 500 times a day and yet you don't always SEE it?? I just had that happen tonight. I have my favorite picture of Sisco as the desktop wallpaper on my laptop. I am on my laptop off and on all day, every day. I look at my wallpaper every time I open my laptop. Tonight, I SAW it. I immediately started crying. It was his eyes that caught my attention. They were the kindest, gentlest eyes I have ever looked into. He always seemed to understand me and accept me. I had a friend send me a picture quote the other day that said, "That one horse that helped you realize who you really are." That was Sisco. I had dreamt of having a Palomino my whole life. I found him and he was perfect. He was all I ever wanted. I got to spend 3 years with him. He taught me so much about myself and about life and about horses. He had Impressive in his bloodlines, which has a disease known as HYPP running rampant through it. He was supposed to be ok though. His dad was negative. His mom was negative. He was supposed to be negative. I never had him tested because both parents were negative. Looking back, we saw the signs. We just always thought he was negative so we never worried about it too much. He never had anything major happen to him, a few twitches and tremors. The last day he was alive, it was strange. We thought he was colicing, but it was different than we had seen with Mac when he coliced. We gave him a Banamine shot and he was eating and acting ok. Our vet was out of town, so she couldn't come out to see him. By morning, he was gone. It was literally the worst day of my life. I am still not over it and I don't think I ever will be. He had a huge impact on me in a way that nobody else could. We had an unmistakable connection. I talk to him every day. He is watching over me and his brothers, Mac and Trader. I wish I could have had more time with him, but I can honestly say that I will cherish the time I had with him more than anything in this world. I wish that he could have spent more time with Mac, and gotten to know Trader. I love you so much, Sisco, and always, always, always will!!
I shut down my blog for a while. I had a lot of things to sort out in my life and in my head. I didn't like the person I had become. I didn't like the things I felt and the feelings I shared. So, I decided a few things. One, to get rid of the hundreds of "friends" and only have the forty or so REAL AND TRUE friends. Two, to shut down any place that I found I was over-venting all of the negative crap that was going on in my life. Well, I am happy to report that thanks to my hubby doing something that I did not have the courage to do. I have found something out that has been the MAJOR factor in myself beating myself up this past year or two. What I found out was what I had hoped in my heart of hearts but I never was able to get affirmation of this. My hubby was. Once I knew that what I had so wanted to be true really was true, everything just fell into place. The cloud was lifted. My strength was officially regained and now I won't let anything stop me or hold me back. It's sad that I spent a year beating myself up and being blacklisted and treated like I had the plague, but at least now I know. No more lurking in the shadows and pushing someone else to thrive and not getting credit for anything because it would be a blow to their ego. No more having things taken away from me. So, today I am playing CATCH UP on all of my lost blogging time. Yes, some things I blog about will be about past events, but with a different angle. You can't pretend your past didn't happen. You have to learn from it, and it's ok to share what you have learned. Through my sharing I have found others in similar circumstances, and together we bond and grow stronger. It really does help knowing you aren't alone.
Oh, and one more thing. I'M BACKKK!!!!!
It took me a long time to realize this. It took some mistakes. I gave people chances that didn't deserve them. I let myself be pushed down. I stopped letting ME shine. I put someone else's life before mine. I was grieving and I lost myself. They were more than happy to take advantage, like they do with everyone. No matter what I had to go through to get to where I am now, it is the LESSON LEARNED that is most important!! Never stop learning and growing as a person. Make mistakes, but be able to admit them and learn from them. Life is like a sifter. It will sort apart the true and real people in your life, from the nasty lying using scoundrels. And, honestly, TIME does make everything alright.
My therapy. My freedom. My joys. My happiest place on earth. My boys.
Mac. The strong, silent type. He is so sassy and fast and strong. He loves to show off his stuff and play!! When I tell him to kiss his Momma though, he never hesitates to give me his head!!
Trader. He chose me. He is an amazing horse. He is a thinker so he can be stubborn, but he trusts me, and I can tell. He is a really fast learner!! He loves to be by my side and I wouldn't have it any other way!!
This picture means so much to me for so many reasons. It contains Owen's urn and a wiggle worm rattle that we got for him before we knew we were going to lose him. It contains a Willow Tree Angel of Mine memory box that a dear friend that I met through my journey with Owen gave to me. She and I shared a path that was so similar, both of our babies had the same diagnosis, both of our babies were bo...rn still within a day of one another, both of our angels are now playing in Heaven together, and both of our angels now have big brothers. Leo is the final thing this picture contains. He is represented by the lions, for courage. All of these things sit atop the armoire that my wonderful hubby began building for Owen, and finished building for Leo. I have a couple of friends who share things from the Prayers for Corbin page on Facebook. I have read them each time I see them shared but it wasn't until today that I saw the reason for Corbin's passing. I haven't told anyone this before because it was so personal to me and because I felt responsible in some way for it happening. Even though I knew in my heart that it wasn't my fault and that there was nothing that could have been done to prevent it, I still have held it tight and kept it quiet. It needs to be let out so that I can be free from this weight on my shoulders. Now that I have a page that only has those people that I feel closest to and that I trust, now is the time. Like Corbin, Owen was diagnosed with Trisomy 13. We were told that he wouldn't survive and that if he went to term that he wouldn't be born alive. We were told in such a way that it was like the doctor was slipping us a quote for a car or something, so flippant, so disregarding of our feelings and what this news did to us. Thankfully I had the best OB on the planet and she asked me how I wanted to handle the pregnancy knowing that it would take a miracle for Owen to be ok. I said simply, I want my baby and myself to be treated like any other patient of yours. I don't want the feeling of doom and gloom when I come into the office. I am a realist and I don't try to convince myself of something that I know is nearly impossible. I held onto a glimmer of hope that by some miracle, the ultrasound was wrong, that he was ok. He acted like a normal baby while he was in my tummy. His only indicator on the ultrasound was one club foot. That was it. Amniocentesis confirmed that that one indicator was indeed something more, a fatal, rare genetic disorder that not many people are even aware of. I wasn't. I am now and I am hearing more and more about it now that I am aware. I have spoken with friends who have also lost a baby, but this is the first time that I am going public with exactly why our precious Owen was born still at 35 weeks. When Leo was born, he was the spitting image of Owen. I literally wailed when I held him for the first time. I am certain that Owen and Leo share a connection. Leo hugs and kisses a picture of Owen. It's the only picture he does that with. They have the same nose, the same lil stinker attitude. I know that a part of Owen lives on in Leo, as well in our hearts, and that his diagnosis brought good things to me that I never would have gotten without it, a dear sweet friend, a knowing and compassion that I never would have had for a disorder that I never knew existed, and a greater appreciation for Leo than I ever could have had without knowing how easily he could have been taken away and a greater appreciation for him knowing that he will always carry something so incredibly special with him, his baby brothers nose, and sassy attitude, and his memory.
I have learned that you have to be patient with Karma. She takes her time. She lets things build. She gives you time to mourn, grieve, adjust to a new way of living after something traumatic has happened to you at the hands of someone else. But, do not doubt her. She will serve those what they deserve. And maybe, she will let you watch. With popcorn. hehe
Be me. I'm always me. I'm not an optimist. I'm not a pessimist. I'm a realist. I don't follow. I don't copy. I have my own ideas. Some people get me. Other people don't. I have faults and I can admit them. I'm stubborn, but I'm also able to admit when I'm wrong. I'm random. I say what I think. I have no filter. I'm weird, I'm sarcastic, I'm witty, I'm funny. You always know where I stand and usually it's where not many other people have the courage to be. Be honest. Be true. Be real. Be you.
Leo. He is 19 months old. He can say A,B,C,D,I,J,K. He knows almost all of his body parts and can point to them and say the name of them too. He knows a few colors. He knows a couple shapes. He can put his own shoes on, and his own pants. He knows up and down. He replies with MEAN, if I say OWWWW. lol He knows what an elephant, lion, cow, horse, chicken, cat, dog, penguin, snake, bear, fish is and... what sound they all make. He knows my routine of taking the dogs out. Heck, he knows pretty much all of my routines. If I say I'm doing something, he is in front of me already starting to do it. He can follow one-step directions, sometimes two-step. His fine and gross motor skills are amazing. He loves books!! He can do a somersault and has been able to for many months. He watches things and knows how to do them instantly. He is way too smart for me!!!!! What the heck............am I gonna do???? lmao
I give people chances. Too often too many chances. I want to believe people are good and caring. The Psych side of me wants to believe that if someone has an issue they will want to change it and improve. There are certain things about people that I keep my mind open to. Religion is one of them. I am a huge huge huge question person and I have alot of science in me but I still enjoy learning about... the side that I didn't have alot of growing up, the religious side. In a way I hold people that recite proverbs and excerpts from the Bible to a higher standard. I expect them to be a shining example of what they preach to others. Some truly are. The majority, it seems, are not. They are false. They preach preach preach and throw out Bible this and Bible that. They walk through those church doors every Sunday or Saturday or Wednesday. I'm honestly amazed that they don't burst into flames. If you look closely at this type of person you will see what a scoundrel they are, how they feel superior to people, how they hold others they deem unworthy down, how they use and instigate and manipulate. I am not a religious person, nor am I a perfect person, but I am pretty certain that isn't how God would want His stuff played out.
Just as the nasty people appear to be banding together just out of utter nastiness and because anyone truly good in their life has banished them so they have no one left but fellow nasties...........those of us truly good folk are forming a bond and gaining strength as a unit out of compassion for one anothers experiences with the nasties and are no longer holding back from letting everyone know that we are strong and you cannot hurt us anymore . GOOD will prevail!!!!
Monday, July 8, 2013
I have been trying to think of what to blog about. I have a lot in my head, each and every day. I am still working on things from the past few years, but I don't want to dwell on the past. I have been trying too hard to move forward to allow myself to go back to those places. I am the kind of person who works through stuff on my own........I have been all my life. I don't ask for help, but I will be the first one to help someone else. This is where my trouble lies. Well, the trouble that is the subject of todays blog anyway. ;)
As you may or may not know, the past few years haven't been exactly what I would call awesome. I have lost a lot. A quick undetailed recap........ready, set, go!!! I have lost a baby, a job, a "best friend", another job, a horse, another "best friend", and almost myself. That's a lot!!! Too much!! I struggled with the job loss because it was a shot to my ego. I thought a job defined me and set my place. Well, having my reputation trashed and myself blacklisted from working places, I got over the whole job as my identity thing. I decided to focus on being a mom. Ugh. That's a whole other topic too. See!! Too much in my head!! Back on topic.......losing the alleged best friends, well, that was bound to happen. Actually it has happened before, with both of them, and I have a real problem with going backwards when I know if it didn't work out the first time, it wont work the second time, but yet I do it anyway. Duh!!!! That loss really wasn't too much of an impact. Friends. You find out who your TRUE friends are and its usually a surprise!! :) Now lets tackle the final type of loss............the baby and the horse. Wow!! These two were major in my life. I have never ever dealt well with death and to have these kinds of death thrown at me..............so not cool. I lost myself three years ago. Found myself. Ish. Then lost myself HUGELY last year. I am working on finding myself. Its an every day battle and I have to constantly remind myself of..............................drumroll please.................my PERSONAL LIFE MOTTO!!!!!!!!
Ok, now that were finally on the actual topic of this blog!! :) My motto. I didn't have one until a few weeks ago. I was sad all the time, I put on a fake smile, I trudged along for the sake of my family, although most days not very well at all, I got angry easily. Actually, I still do. That's probably a whole other subject for me as well. lol I was completely at a loss. I kept going back and drudging up the past and living in a place of wanting people to get major KARMA-ized!!!!!! I could only think of ONE person I wanted to talk to. She is someone who is a straight shooter to a fault. She and I are a lot alike. We both have no filter. We both share tragedies. We both share something else in common but that will remain a secret. I texted her and asked her to give me the honest truth on a few things I had floating in my head that I needed to sort out. She did. She also gave me words of wisdom that sparked a desire to want to have better for myself, to want to not stay in the place I had been for too long. She is my personal motto.
Since that day, things have been better. If I feel myself slipping, I think of her and her words and my motto. She keeps me strong. She is always a text away if I need a quick shot of support. She is an unexpected true friend and I owe her so much.
People keep asking me what BLK stands for. It doesn't matter. Its my personal motto and Im the only one who needs to know. And, besides myself, SHE is the only one that knows what it stands for.
This blog is a shout out to HER. Thank you now and forever!! Thank you for helping me when nobody else could!!
That's all for now...
Friday, July 5, 2013
It's been almost a year since I last blogged. That's probably not a good thing. That probably means I've kept too much inside. That probably means I am ready to explode. Probably right. I am going to redesign my page and update things and then I will blog a catching up blog. Although, it won't be very impressive since it's pretty much the same. Shrug. Til then.... S