Saturday, March 10, 2012

Introducing Baby Leo

Geez, I just realized I hadnt even blogged about Leo being born!!

It was a pretty smooth labor and delivery. Not bad for an old gal, eh?? lol Labor started about 11:30pm and once the clock struck midnight, the contractions got pretty close together. I woke the hubby up and then continued to putz around the house getting things done before I had to leave........of course, I had to keep pausing during a contraction and then quickly do something in the three minutes I had until the next one. lol I eventually called my mom and she came to my house. Then we were on our way. We got to the hospital at 2:30am and I was in my room at 3am. They were quite busy!!! The pain got intense at about 4:30am and I got some Fentanyl. Good good good stuff!! lol Of course, it wore off by the time things got really painful!!! Grr!!! I went from 5cm to 9.5cm in about an hour. The doctor barely made it into the room in time!! I was ready to go with or without him!!! Baby Leo arrived at 5:35am on 2/17/2012 weighing 8 lbs 10 oz and measuring 21 1/4 in long!!  :) We went home the next morning.

He is such a beautiful blessing and we are all enjoying him very much!! His brothers and his sister are so proud of him and so smitten with him. Everyone is so excited he is here!! We all waited for him for so long!!


Friday, March 9, 2012

I am a mess...

Im a mess.

Ive been struggling and last night I finally figured out why.

When you lose a baby, it is devastating and heartbreaking and something you never get over. Even if you know you are going to lose the baby, the pain and grief are just the same as not knowing. I went to the hospital with Owen knowing he was gone. Being admitted to the hospital pregnant and then being discharged from the hospital and leaving without a baby in your arms........its unexplainable. The emptiness just doesnt ever seem to leave you. Time stands still. You are left without total closure. Your mind still expects that baby to appear in your arms. But he never does.....

It wasnt until last night that I realized my mind is still waiting for that baby. Even though there is a new baby, my mind is still waiting on the other baby.

So here I am. Im rejoicing the arrival of Leo, but Im mourning the departure of Owen.......again. Im happy, but Im sad. Im content, but I feel guilty. I feel alone, but I wont let anyone in. Im exhausted and drained, but I want to do it all myself.

Im a mess. I told ya.

I dont know if this makes me sound like a horrible person, or if anyone can relate. I just had to get it out. I just wish it helped more......

Til next time...... (hopefully a happier topic, right?)