On the Wings of Angels

This weekend, while at the store, we ran into a friend of my hubby's and his little boy. The little boy was an avid animal lover and we were talking about all the animals we both had, which was A LOT. We walked out to the parking lot still talking about animals and how amazing they are and we said our goodbyes. That was when I learned his name. Owen. I almost cried. Here was this amazing lil fella who loved animals as much as I did and it just warmed my heart and crushed it all at once. Grief does that to ya. And, I don't care who came up with the dumb phrase of "time heals all wounds" but it's a crock of shit. You never fully heal. You may learn a new way of living with out them, but you never fully heal from the loss of them. You pray and hope for signs from them. You look forward to that on a daily basis. At least I do....

When the summer is here, I find myself seeing my angels, Owen and Sisco, in butterfly form. They will flutter around our heads, or linger around Owen's bush or around the pasture with Mac and Trader, and I will get the distinct feeling that it's one of my angels coming to say hello, to let us know that they think of us as much as we think of them, to be with us even though they can't be with us in the forms we knew them as.

Then summer ends........the butterflies go......

Since then I have noticed things I have never noticed before. I think they are new. Before we moved to the farm, I would have white feathers appear in my path when we would go to feed the horses. One time, my hubby and I both clearly heard a child yell MOM and it was none of our kids who were all in their rooms at the time. I also associate rainbows with my Owen. Now that we are at the farm, I have noticed new ways my angels are communicating with me. I pray every night for them to come see me, to come say hi. I miss them both more than words can say and I can admit that I nag them and want them to be with me in spirit every. single. day. Most days, they comply with their momma. Those days are better than the days when they don't.

My Sisco has been sending me "S" signs. I will look down and there will be a piece of dried grass in the shape of an S, or a piece of hay in the shape of an S in the barn, or a cloud in the shape of an S. I saw a few and although I noticed them, I didn't really think too much of them. Then, I kept seeing them and seeing them and I would just giggle to myself and smile knowing my sweet boy was wanting to be here with his momma as much as she wanted him here with her. We had a very special connection. I could talk to him and he understood. He would go anywhere I would go. If I sat down, he would stay right beside me and eat while I talked to him. If you aren't a horse lover and you've never had a horse, then I don't expect you to understand this connection or how huge this loss was to me.

My Owen has been sending me signs in another way. Since he was born still, I have seen more and more children named Owen. Before him, I really didn't hear that name often. Now, when I see it or hear it or a friend has a child named Owen or a grandchild named Owen, I instantly think of my boy, and I think of how he is living on through all of these children named Owen. I think of the traits they have that he would have probably had too. This latest lil Owen though, wow, he threw me for a loop, because he was exactly how I pictured my Owen would have been, in looks and in personality and in his love for animals. This was the biggest sign yet, aside from when he said MOM.

As I was reflecting on all of this over the weekend, I realized something. Since my loss of Sisco, I have gotten my Trader. Since my loss of Owen, I have had my Leo. I may have lost Sisco and Owen in the physical sense, but I have gained Trader and Leo, and doubled the number that I have been so very blessed to love. Instead of just two beautiful beings to love, I have gotten FOUR beautiful beings to love and cherish for the rest of my life. Yes, the pain and sorrow will still always be there for the two that cannot be with me on this Earth, but this new realization is one that I will be working on within my mind to try and help myself cope with that sad reality. Trader and Leo help me to cope too. I can throw my arms around them and know that they are so much like Sisco and Owen that it's almost like they are still here. Almost.

So, anyway, that's what has been floating around in my head lately. To those who are also dealing with grief and loss as a part of their daily lives, I send you hugs and prayers. I hope that you are finding your own way to still feel connected to your lost loved ones and to live without them, and know that you are not alone.

Til next time....