I have things on my mind.
This is what happens when I have all day to think with nothing but the dogs and the laundry to distract me. Thinking is a good thing, but it tends to lead to overthinking and overthinking is bad. Overthinking leads to depression and low self worth and paranoia. Not good, right? Nope. Darn right yucky.
So perhaps venting in the form of blogging will allow me to escape overthinking and all of its poor qualities and release all of this from my head. Or at least I can try.
Lets start with.......being pregnant. I was not planning on this and I am finding that I am really freaked out and not emotionally and physically prepared for this journey. I thought I was done and I had put to rest all of the feelings and pain of this whole process. Aye yi yi. I gotta figure out how to process all of this and find the strength to do it. I feel too old. I feel like I have forgotten how to do this. I can do this, right?
Now lets move on to......being jobless. I was not planning on this either. Yes it was my choice to leave, but for me, being without a job is like me being without a sense of who I am. Rather, who I am supposed to be. I wish for......no.....I long for the day when I can say "I love my job!", whatever that job may be. I really dont know what I am supposed to be doing. Ive battled this for a while and I just cant seem to land on one for sure thing that holds my attention and my passion. Im a pinball machine ball, just bouncing around, being flung back and forth, til I finally settle where I belong. Wherever the heck that is?
I know what you are thinking. I said I wasnt planning on either of those things happening which is true, but in a way it comes out sounding like Im not accepting responsibility for my part in either of these events. Not even close. I accept my part in both of these things and I accept how I had a choice in both matters and I accept how they have affected me. That doesnt mean though that that I have figured out the next phase. It just means that I understand the beginning.
Other than that, Im good. Thank goodness, huh? ;)
Til next time...
Monday, February 8, 2010
My gosh. Where to even begin? I guess the last time I blogged it was Christmas, so we will pick up in January of this new year.
Well, we had my birthday, 29 of course, in January. :)
I got a bit of a birthday surprise a few days before my birthday. I discovered I was pregnant. I had none of the obvious symptoms, and one of the symptoms wasnt very distinct so I thought nothing of it. It was pretty typical for me actually. Anyway. I was trying to figure out when I last changed my contacts so I was flipping through my calendar. I suddenly realized a certain other monthly date was missing from my calendar.........for quite a few months. Um, OOPS! So I took a test. And the next day another one. And the next day another one. Well, lets just say there was no need to grade on a curve cuz the results were all exactly the same each time. I finally gave in and decided it wasnt wrong.
So I tell Husband when he gets home. His response was "Are you kidding me?". Um. No.
Then I have to tell my mother. It went better than I expected but Im pretty sure she knew I was anxiety ridden already and she didnt want to further upset me.
Then I told my kids. Brodie said "Good for you, hope its a boy." and thats all he had to say about it. Max said "I hope its a boy too and I hope it doesnt bite my legs and follow me around." I think he thinks its a puppy?? lol Hannah thought I was joking and then she walked out of the room. I talked to her later and shes ok with it now, but at first she was not a happy girl.
Then it went down the line to letting the rest of my family know, letting my close close friends know, and slowly letting it all sink in and become real. There were some that were really happy and some that thought I was joking.
I headed to my doctor. She laughed when she saw me cuz I had told her I would NOT be back for a baby. She scheduled an Ultrasound cuz we really had no idea how far along I was. (Remember that not so distinct symptom I told you about?)
As of today I am 14 weeks, 3 days. I do not feel pregnant, just fat and tired.
The really funny thing about this whole deal is that one of my good friends is also pregnant and her due date is just four days after mine. We both have 3 kids already, we both have the same doctor, and we have both decided that we want to be in the hospital at the same time. Our doctor found this pretty funny too. :)
Some other things have happened too in these first two months of 2010, but I dont really care to discuss one of them. Ya never know whos eyes are lookin. Lets just say that although the choice I made was a good one for me, I know I didnt go about it in the best manner. For that I am sorry, but I am not sorry that I left.
I may have more news coming up, but I dont want to jump the gun. I will keep you posted on it as well as try to be a better blogger. ;)
Til next time...