Monday, May 24, 2010

Looking back

Normally I would not say this. For this one instance though, I would.

Looking back, I would have made one change.

I would NOT have done the amnio.

I didnt want to do the amnio to begin with. That was the whole reason for going and getting the Level II ultrasound in South Bend. I felt backed into a corner when I decided to do the amnio. I felt bullied and I had just been told that if the one marker they saw was because of what they thought it could be of, my baby could die. I pretty much just said, "Fine, do it." to shut up the cold, mean doctor and get away from him.

I wish I would have stuck to my guns and went with my initial decision to NOT have the amnio, no matter what news they had just told me. I wish that I would have been in the right state of mind instead of making a rushed decision.

As a result of that rushed decision, we now have to endure this LABEL every where we turn and with every doctor and nurse we encounter. I feel like I have doomed my baby with a label he may never be able to escape.

I feel horrible about this. You cant even begin to know how horrible I feel about this.

This label has been the sole reason for all of the emotional distress and roller coasters and fears and downright sucking away of the joy of being pregnant. I have to constantly push it to the back of my mind, not dwell on it, not allow myself to scour the internet. I have to live in anxiety of going into labor and being in a hospital with a staff who KNOWS the label and instead of treating me like a normal woman about to give birth, are waiting for my baby to die.

Can you even come close to imagining what that feels like?

HOW am I supposed to do that? How am I supposed to go through labor, which is hard enough in a normal circumstance, knowing this label, and knowing what it could mean, and knowing that the medical staff all know, and.....

I dont expect anyone to actually answer that question. I cant even answer it for myself and I am living it.

I just have to have faith that them only seeing one marker on BOTH (South Bend and IU Med) of the Level II ultrasounds we have had, is a sign from God that maybe the amnio was wrong with its diagnosis, that maybe our baby will defy this label he has been given, that maybe we can get rid of this label so that he doesnt have to endure my bad decision for one more second after he is born.

I have to have faith that in both of the reports given to my doctor from the Level II ultrasounds, the specialists seemed to have a glimmer of hope. The IU doctor seemed shocked that they didnt find a bunch of things wrong with my baby. There were no major abnormalities found at either scan. The brain and heart and organs were all as they should be. The spine is fine too. The only thing that showed up was this one marker, which can also be found in normal babies as well (that was the second sentence out of the specialists mouths after they told me they had seen this one marker), and is easily fixed.

I just hope and pray the amnio was wrong. I want to have to chance to make amends for this decision I made that labeled my baby.

Looking back, I would have made that one change.


Sunday, May 16, 2010


This is my horse, Sisco.

On days like today, I just want to ride.
I want to ride and not have to think.
I want to not have a care in the world.

I havent been feeling very strong today.
My head has been kicked into overdrive.
I have been thinking things I dont want to think.

Thinking shouldnt be a bad thing.
But when it gets you no where and drains you fast,
Its not a good thing.

I shouldnt think about what I have been thinking about.
I should be positive and strong.
I know I should be.

But today, I wasnt.

I needed my horse today.
I needed to ride today.
I needed to not think today.


Saturday, May 8, 2010


This pic was taken at 11 weeks (basically right about the time I found out I was pregnant). I could still wear my normal clothes then. lol

This was taken today, at 27 weeks.

I will be entering my third trimester next week. I thank God for every week that Owen grows. I cant look much farther than a week at a time, no matter how much I long to. Keep praying for us and for our miracle!!