This has been posted on several of my friends Facebook pages:
This week (and always) we remember all of the babies born sleeping, those whom we have carried but never met, those we have held but could not take home, and the ones that came home but didn't stay. Make this your status if you or someone you know has suffered the loss of a baby. The majority won't do it, because unlike cancer, baby loss is still a taboo subject. Break the silence. In memory of all tiny angels. ♥
While I havent been able to post this as my own status, just because I cant bring myself to do it. I just wanted everyone to know that seeing it and reading the comments that follow it, have really helped me. I am slowing learning that I am not alone in this struggle. I read the comments and I discover that several people I know have experienced what I have gone through, either in their own life or in their family life. I had no idea. Before I went through this I had never known anyone to lose a baby so late into a pregnancy, I never knew that Owen's diagnosis existed. The closest I came is having close friends who had miscarried early in their pregnancy, sometimes multiple pregnancies. A whole new world has been opened to me. Its a world that I wish I didnt have to know about, a world that I wish didnt exist for anyone.
Maybe this is why this happened to me. Maybe I needed to have my eyes opened to this sad world a little bit more.
I am starting to do better. I still have my breakdown moments, but I feel myself getting stronger. It will always hurt, I know that. But I am feeling less and less like I have to have a wall up.
I had to shut out babies and people with babies in order to cope and for that I am sorry. You know who you are. I hope that you know deep in your heart that I did not mean any hurt by it. I just had to do it to protect myself and to be able to move forward.
I think thats all for now...
Saturday, September 4, 2010
I feel like lately I have two faces. I have the face that most of you see. I also have the face that I keep hidden.
The face that most of you see is the one where Im strong, the one where I can push things out of my mind and function like a normal person. This is the face I have when Im out in public and I have things that distract me and keep my mind occupied. This is the face where I focus on doing things for other people and being there for other people. This is the face you see when Im at work and when Im volunteering at Columbia. This face is the one that I try to keep on for as long as I possibly can each day.
The face I keep hidden is the one where the slightest thing can trigger a breakdown. This is the face that sneaks up on me. It doesnt have to be blatant, in my face, BAM sort of trigger. It just has to be the tiniest little thing that makes me think all over again, "what if", "what could have been", "what wasnt", and those always get followed by the ever lovely, "WHY!?!?". I really struggle with the Why. I think if I knew the Why, everything else would be easier. But, then I realize Ill probably never know the Why.
So, how do I balance these two faces??
As best I can.
Maybe one of these days Ill figure it all out and even get back to happy, silly, fun blogs again!!