Thursday, August 26, 2010

Aye yi yi!!

How the heck are you supposed to handle being caught off guard in a graceful manner?? Does anyone know? I suck at it, to put it mildly!!

The first time someone asked me about Owen after he died was just a couple of days after he was born. I had to take my oldest to pick up his glasses and the receptionist noticed I wasnt pregnant anymore and was so excited that I had had him. I had to break the news to her that he was stillborn. She felt bad and started crying. I started crying. It was just horrible.

The next time was a couple weeks ago at Maxs school. A little girl from his class last year asked me how my baby was and I just stood there, not knowing what to say or how to answer her. Shes only 7 for cryin out loud!! It doesnt make sense to me as an adult, how is it supposed to make sense to a child?? I think I finally just said that he didnt make it. Whats that even mean? She asked me why and I said that it just happens sometimes. Ugh. I dont think I handled that well.

Since that day I have been able to control it. I think about Owen everyday but since I control when I think about him, Im not caught off guard and Im prepared for it.

Until yesterday when I got caught off guard again by a parent of one of my kids from work. She asked me how the baby was and I was so caught off guard that I played stupid and said huh (like what baby?). She repeated it and I just started tearing up. She felt bad and I felt bad. I went home and cried the rest of the night thinking how much I miss him and how much I suck at being caught off guard and wondering how to be better at it.

I was doing so good, or at least I thought I was. I just dont like surprises. I dont like being caught off guard. I like controlling when I think of Owen so that I dont have a breakdown in public. Yet at the same time I really appreciate that he hasnt been forgotten. Im so complicated, arent I? lol

People keep telling me how strong they think I am. I guess I put up a pretty good front because, to be honest, I dont feel strong. I just feel sad. They say it will get easier with time. Id like to punch "they" in the head. How does it get easier? How can it possibly get easier? How can I ever be content with the fact that I got to hold my baby but I never got to see him open his eyes, or make a sound, or move? I dont think it will ever get easier, but I do think that I will learn how to better be caught off guard. Or, at least, I hope I do.
Thats all I got...

Friday, August 6, 2010

Obe La Dee, Obe La Dah

Life does, indeed, go on. Ive attempted many times to blog, but the words never came out right, so I deleted it.

Today was my due date. This is the "final hurdle" in this journey. This is the last thing I have looming that reminds me I lost a baby. I had a small breakdown this morning just thinking about what could have been. I had to rein myself back in and the rest of the day was good.

I had an epiphany last week. I wont go into detail but just know that it was the one thing that put things back into perspective for me. It was the one thing I had to figure out for myself in order for me to be able to move on, move forward. I still have breakdowns every now and then, but at least now I have something to remind myself of that will pull me back to reality.

Things are slowly getting easier. I still have moments of despair, but I think that I always will. I just cant let it run my life. I have other people in my life who count on me. Allowing myself to be normal again, is ok. Thats my mantra.

Its slowly getting easier for me to see other peoples babies and to see other people enjoying their baby and not mourning a loss like I am. Ive discovered that this not only applies to my real life, but also to my TV life. I honestly couldnt watch one of my favorite shows, "Bethenny Getting Married?", because her baby looks so much like Owen from the profile that I thought my heart was being ripped out of my chest whenever they showed her. I think, now, that I have to see these things and endure these things in order to "build my tolerance level", so to speak.

What the future holds, I truly have no idea. I go back and forth. If its meant to be, it will be. Im not going to force the issue. I have to believe that I went on this journey for some reason. Although I have no freaking clue what that reason is at this point. I hope that one day I will know.

Moving on....

The kids have gone back to school. Yes, already. They all seem very happy to be back at school and seeing all of their friends. I keep thinking that next year I will have a high schooler. Man, Im old!!

Chug chug chug....

I get to go back to work soon which I am so looking forward to!! When I started my job, I came in at the tail end of the year. I am excited to see what the beginning and middle are like!!


Chug chug chug also makes me think of something else besides moving along. Drinking wine. Yes, I have missed it. I had my first drink yesterday. I felt sorta normal again. Now if I could just lose this extra weight so that my clothes fit and I dont have to keep wearing the same pair of capris every stinkin day, Ill be set!!

Thats all.