Aye yi yi!!

How the heck are you supposed to handle being caught off guard in a graceful manner?? Does anyone know? I suck at it, to put it mildly!!

The first time someone asked me about Owen after he died was just a couple of days after he was born. I had to take my oldest to pick up his glasses and the receptionist noticed I wasnt pregnant anymore and was so excited that I had had him. I had to break the news to her that he was stillborn. She felt bad and started crying. I started crying. It was just horrible.

The next time was a couple weeks ago at Maxs school. A little girl from his class last year asked me how my baby was and I just stood there, not knowing what to say or how to answer her. Shes only 7 for cryin out loud!! It doesnt make sense to me as an adult, how is it supposed to make sense to a child?? I think I finally just said that he didnt make it. Whats that even mean? She asked me why and I said that it just happens sometimes. Ugh. I dont think I handled that well.

Since that day I have been able to control it. I think about Owen everyday but since I control when I think about him, Im not caught off guard and Im prepared for it.

Until yesterday when I got caught off guard again by a parent of one of my kids from work. She asked me how the baby was and I was so caught off guard that I played stupid and said huh (like what baby?). She repeated it and I just started tearing up. She felt bad and I felt bad. I went home and cried the rest of the night thinking how much I miss him and how much I suck at being caught off guard and wondering how to be better at it.

I was doing so good, or at least I thought I was. I just dont like surprises. I dont like being caught off guard. I like controlling when I think of Owen so that I dont have a breakdown in public. Yet at the same time I really appreciate that he hasnt been forgotten. Im so complicated, arent I? lol

People keep telling me how strong they think I am. I guess I put up a pretty good front because, to be honest, I dont feel strong. I just feel sad. They say it will get easier with time. Id like to punch "they" in the head. How does it get easier? How can it possibly get easier? How can I ever be content with the fact that I got to hold my baby but I never got to see him open his eyes, or make a sound, or move? I dont think it will ever get easier, but I do think that I will learn how to better be caught off guard. Or, at least, I hope I do.

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Thats all I got...

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xoxo

S