Saturday, August 30, 2014
Move on already. It started out at a good place, sorta a second place place, but whatever. It was real and it was fun while it lasted. You got something outta the deal that you never would have, and we got something outta the deal too. Then life happened and it wasn't working anymore. It's not like you put up much of a fight, so that must mean deep down you felt it too. So, let it go...
Til next time...
Friday, August 29, 2014
I have been wanting to bust this out for a while now, but forced myself to keep quiet until it was all done. I GOT A TATTOO!!!!!! Yay!!! I found an idea of what I wanted but then I drew it and perfected it myself. It took a couple of weeks and several different tries to get the one that made me cry. That's how I knew it was the ONE. I already had an appointment made and was collaborating with my tattoo artist to get his input since this was my first tattoo. He probably thinks I'm nuts but he was really great and I felt comfortable the entire time!!
I got this in memory of my angel Owen and my angel Sisco. If you wanna close your eyes and try to imagine my tattoo, feel free. :) If you look closely you can see an S for Sisco and there are two lil O's for Owen. The three lines on the hearts are for Owen, Sisco, and myself.......our hearts are joined together for infinity. ♥
This day has been kind of emotional. I wasn't nervous or scared about my tattoo. Once I got the tattoo and ever since then today, I have had things pop up that have reminded me of exactly why I wanted to get my memorial tattoo. Some songs I heard and some shows I watched touched a place that I have reserved for Owen and Sisco. In a way, it reassured me that they are with me and that was their way of telling me just that. Today has been a bit teary at times, but then I stop and think, you know what, I went through hell from 2010 to 2012 with what seemed like loss after loss and the universe just knockin me into the ground. It was a very hard thing to bounce back from and I will be the first to admit that I took a hella long time to do so. But now, things are good. I feel like myself, actually I feel better. I have become even stronger than I was and I also gained the knowledge to help others who have to go through something similar. The tears and the sadness will never be something that will completely leave me, but I am determined to be happy, and make my life everything I have ever dreamt of it being. I feel like we are beginning again and life is brighter and sunnier and Someone is on our side!! I feel like I can BREATHE again and it feels wonderful!! :)
Here's looking forward to what lies ahead in life and being able to look down at my wrist and smile at where I have been and how I have learned and grown from what I went through. Cheers!!
Til next time...
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Hey, remember that one thing from a while ago?? Yeah, that thing. Well, disregard. Nevermind. I was wrong. Again. But ya know what, it's ok!!!! I am ok with it!!!
And...........I've realized some things.
It can't be already in existence, I HAVE TO CREATE IT MYSELF!!!!
I have spent a very long time chasing and trying to force the issue. Several times.
Now I surrender. It's time to see who finds me and stays. :)
Ok, that's all I have for now. lol Vague, I know. But, it's all good!!
Til next time...
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
As far as I'm concerned, you forfeited everything. You don't have a say. You don't have time. You don't have a clue. I am so beyond done with your convenience bullshit. I have zero tolerance for you anymore. You are so wrapped up in your own life and your own lies that you have missed out on everything. Even when you say you're going to change, you don't. Just save your words, save your precious time, save your lies, save it all!!! I don't trust you. I don't believe you. I don't rely on you. I don't want anything from you. Ever. So, the next time you feel the urge to be CONVENIENT......................DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Ahem. Sorry for the rant. I got a bit annoyed tonight and I get so sick of people getting to skip out on responsibility and of people treating people like they are a convenience. Just sick of it.................)
Til next time....... (and a happier less violent blog post lmao)
My favorite color has always been blue. I came across this today while playing on Pinterest. It is pretty spot on. Eww, I hate saying "spot on". It is pretty gosh darn accurate!! Much better. Here is a link to my color of blue, and from there you will see a link to a Pinterest page and that is where you can find all the other colors. Find yours!! Is the description correct?? Isn't Psychology FUN!! :)
The Land of Color
Click it. You know you wanna!! Remember to click the link in the link to get other colors if your favorite color isn't blue. If it is, then, you're welcome!! ;)
Til next time...
I told ya so. I knew it was gonna be a crappy day. It took all I had to make myself get outta bed this morning.
Here's how it all started. Yesterday I was a laundry beast. Clean sheet day!! Yay!! Well....about 3 this morning...which would make it stupid Tuesday, my cosleeping toddler decides to spring a leak. Really?? My first and only thought was "Why do I even bother? I swear nothing I do is appreciated.". Great. Thank goodness for the waterproof cover though!! A towel later and back to sleep. My alarm goes off. I am really dreading leaving my bed. What else does Tuesday have in store for me? I decide I better get up and make sure the teenagers and the preteen leave for school on time. So I drag myself outta bed. Oh it's raining. Again. Seriously, when did I move to freakin Seattle? When it rains my wimpy dogs don't want to go outside. It's a battle to get them out. Even then........they decide they would rather just go inside. Thanks. Like I don't have other chores I'm already doing. Please add to the list.
For the moment I have taken a seat. Mocha in hand. All my chores are done out here. I have to wait for the peeing toddler to wake up so I can continue choring where he is. The sun is trying to come out. I am hoping that I can keep this Tuesday's crappiness contained to just this morning.
Ah crap. The toddler is awake. He is full force sceeeching and chasing the dogs too. Yep. It's Tuesday and I don't think she's gonna give up that easily.
I suddenly have Cher's, "If I Could Turn Back Time" blaring in my head.
Wish me luck.
Til next time.....
Monday, August 25, 2014
Sunday, August 24, 2014
If you go to work or go to school, then you dread Monday. If you are a stay at home mom, you look forward to Monday.
Let's call it what it really is for us stay at home moms. Let's take out that "n" and put in an "m" and make it Momday.
As a stay at home mom, the weekends are crazy and busy and total chaos. We look forward to them all week but then come Sunday afternoon, we're done. We're spent. Weekends. We have our spouse home and our school age kids home and the routine that you and your little one follow all week long is totally lost and destroyed and nonexistent on the weekends. Our little one overdoses on stimulation and is a total brat whose ears are completely broken. There are too many people telling him what to do. There are too many people doing what they want. There are too many people......too much stuff............and it is overwhelming.
This is why Monday is really Momday.
Momday is when we can BREATHE and relax a bit and get back into our routine and refocus and get our daily mom things done. Our little one that stays home with us is a lil more controllable and a lil bit nicer because he too appreciates the routine and knowing what we are doing each day and he doesn't have to deal with the willy nilliness of the weekends that makes him, in his own words, "CRABBY". It's quieter and there isn't the stumbling into or around of other people while you are trying to get done what you do on a daily basis.
Monday is a calm day.
Tuesday though..................that's a whole different story.....
Keep calm and Momday on!!!
Til next time...
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Watch and you will see.
So often we feel like we are alone, that we are the only one feeling the way we are feeling, the only one going through what we are going through, that we couldn't possibly tell anyone the real truth that bounces around in our head and clouds our thoughts and consumes our minds. But, it's just not true. We aren't alone. I have felt this way alot in the past couple of years. I have really struggled with who I am, who I thought I was, who I am supposed to be. These things don't just pop up randomly, they have triggers. There are things in your life, or people in your life, that lead us to these false thoughts. While at the time it seems nearly impossible to see past what our current feelings are, I want you to know that it is just temporary. Let me tell you why I feel this is so....
If you are in a funk, a low point in your life, where you feel all alone, and so lost and like it will never end, that there is no light at the end of the tunnel..........just WATCH. If you open yourself up to watching, you will see, and it will change your perspective. Now, I am not saying it's just that simple. I know firsthand that it isn't. You have to be ready for it. It may take a while. You may NEED to sulk and be self absorbed and be naive in thinking you are alone in what you're feeling and just have an overall sucky outlook on your life for a while. Trust me, I know. It took me about two years to fully come back to myself. I'm a lil on the stubborn side. lmao ;)
When you are sick of yourself being that way and it is draining you and you finally decide that you don't want to be that person anymore, that it's not YOU, and it has to stop.........THEN.....................THEN you are able to WATCH and see.
All of the sudden you will have people appear in your life in the most random of places and times, you will read things people write, or see things on TV that make you do a double take and say "SAY WHAT??" in your head. You will smile and shake your head and absolutely believe that you are NOT alone!!!!! You will see a light at the end of that tunnel. And then you will have another thing happen and that light will get even brighter. You will probably wonder if you could have seen those things when you were in your funk and feeling alone, and although we will never know for sure, I am betting that they were there, just to see if you were ready, but you weren't yet so they just tucked themselves away for another time. It makes me LOL. Life is just crazy like that, isn't it??
So, remember, just when you think you are all alone, you aren't!! Take inventory of what you're going through and then when you are ready to begin again, just WATCH and you will SEE and it will amaze you.
I just SAW something this morning and I thought something was one way and that I was alone in my feelings, but then I had something appear right in front of my face and I laughed and couldn't believe it. I immediately sent a message to the other person involved because I know how important it is to be told you aren't alone!!!
Pay it forward!! Use your experiences to help others!! :)
That's all for this time...
Monday, August 18, 2014
To be a mom is...........
Seriously, the hardest job I have ever had.
It is also the most rewarding job I have ever had.
And, the most stressful job I have ever had.
As well as, the one job I have had that has made me doubt myself, look down on myself, and judge myself.
But, I wouldn't trade it for anything!!!
I have always been good with kids and I have always wanted to be a mom. Did I think that I would stay home with all of my kids and let go of having a career and using my Psych degree?? No. But I am right where I want to be, right where I need to be.
Do I struggle often with myself and think I am failing at being a mom? Um.....yes!! I am not proud of it, but when the low days pass and I am refreshed and recharged, it gives me a renewed sense of just who I am right now, and who I was meant to be right now.
It's always funny to me, when I am feeling low and beating myself up and feeling like I am not good enough, where I find my answer, my confirmation that I am good enough and I doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing at this point in my life, even that I am doing a good job, most days.
My kids are seriously the most amazing beings. They are kind. They are genuine. They are thoughtful. They help others. They are smart. They are beautiful. And, gosh darnit, I have a big part in them being that way!! Are they also stubborn and bullheaded and don't let people push them around and think they know more than me?? lol Yep!!! I also have a big part in that. hehe
I know I am not alone on feeling like this. I know that I will stumble again and struggle.
And that's ok.....
I am me. I am real. I am good enough. I AM A MOM!!!
Til next time...
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Sigh. Ok. Well. Following my last blog, this one will seem a bit off, but if ya read the title........then.....it is what it is.
I know I am not alone in this. That gives some relief, but it still doesn't make it all better. First off, let me say that I chose to stay home with Mr. Rotten Pants Leo, and I love it. He is quite the handful and makes me wanna pull my hair out minutely, but I would not want someone else raising him, or to send him somewhere with dirty germy kids. I am his mom and if I am fortunate enough to be able to stay home with him like I did my other kids, then I am gonna do it. That being said, there are still those days that sneak up on me and make me doubt myself, make me wonder if I am a good mom, make me wonder what I am supposed to be doing with my life, make me wonder if I am wasting the money my mom worked her ass off to make to pay off my college degree. These days make me feel like a total loser. A total waste of space. A slacker. Basically, I feel like a piece of shit. I guess my ego wins over me on these days. I shouldn't be so vain. I have been around enough to know that I am not sought after by people. I am not on the inside of things. I try and try, but I still remain on the outside looking in. Right now I really don't have the time to throw myself into something. I could make time, but my life is chaotic enough and I want to focus on my kids right now. It will be all too soon that they are out of the house. I just hope they don't look back and think of their mom as a loser who sat at home all day eating Bon Bons and being a worthless piece of crap when I should have been out working like other moms and contributing to society and paying my dues and earning that $100,000 Bachelors Degree in Psychology that my mom worked so hard to pay off, on her own, as a single mom. Ok, now I feel even worse. I thought venting might help a bit, but nope. It's a struggle. It has been for years. I like to think that I am NEEDED and SOUGHT AFTER by people in the workforce, but I'm not. I'm nothing special. I'm nothing that can't be replaced. And that's just a fact of my life. And, the funny thing is........I don't even want a job. I don't want to have to deal with people. I don't want to have to make small talk and deal with work drama. I just.......................I JUST WANT TO BE WANTED. Sigh. So there you have it. A glimpse into one of my deepest darkest demons.
Sharing is caring, right?? lmao
Til next time.....
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
To be honest, I hadn't even thought of my blog in a very long time. Life has been crazy and a constant chaos and blogging, sadly, just never seemed to make it onto my TO DO list each day. Well, today, a friend of mine (Hi Beth!!) asked me about my blog and I went "Oh yeah, I did used to blog!!". So, here I am!! And let me tell ya.......after looking back over my last posts on here, I just wanna say WOW!!! I had a lil bit of stuff goin on, huh?? lmao
I am happy to report that that "stuff", is in the past. I admit I had alot of things to work on, some things got stuck in my head and were on repeat for quite a while. I had some growing and learning to do in order to be able to LET IT GO. But, I am in a good place now. I am..............HAPPY. Say what?? lol
My very last post was about finding myself. Well actually, not to very long ago, in fact, I had an epiphany. I have been where I belong since a little before Leo was born, so two years and some change. I don't know why I didn't see it or realize it sooner, or maybe I did and just didn't know it enough to put it into words. But one day it just hit me and I was like "DUH, Stef" and then I just smiled because it made me happy. I bet you probably wanna know just where I belong, don't ya?? Well, if ya don't then you can leave now. If you do, then you will probably say you already knew that when you hear it. The place I feel like I belong is........................drumroll please..............our ANIMAL CENTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now, let's all hear the gigantic DUHHHHHHH!!!! ;) It's ok, I can take it. Promise!! Anyway, the Animal Center........it started with seeing a dog that was just so adorable, I knew I had to have him. Mocha. Adopted. Then it progressed into fostering dogs and helping to find them homes and while I had them in my home, work on training and socializing them. Well, I had quite a few successes!!!! But then, I slowly but surely turned into a Foster Failure. lmao I began ADOPTING my foster dogs. Shep, Monty, Shiloh, Scottie. I couldn't help it. Their stories and their lil faces just found a way into my heart and I didn't feel like anyone else could love them better than I could. Meh, it happens. hehe Unconditional love and a desire to help the helpless, the animals that get dumped and pushed aside and treated like they are worthless. It's a tough thing to do, the sad stories you hear, the things you see done to animals, the look in their eyes, having to let some go when all else has been exhausted, it hurts your heart to the very core. But more times than not, it is the most rewarding and heart-filling thing I have ever done. More times than not, there are great success stories and happily ever after endings and you encounter amazing people who make you forget about all the horrible people out there. I just wish I could do more......
Whew!! Ok, I think that is enough for one blog. Now that it is back on my radar though, I hope that I can make it a regular thing again.