Im a mess.
Ive been struggling and last night I finally figured out why.
When you lose a baby, it is devastating and heartbreaking and something you never get over. Even if you know you are going to lose the baby, the pain and grief are just the same as not knowing. I went to the hospital with Owen knowing he was gone. Being admitted to the hospital pregnant and then being discharged from the hospital and leaving without a baby in your arms........its unexplainable. The emptiness just doesnt ever seem to leave you. Time stands still. You are left without total closure. Your mind still expects that baby to appear in your arms. But he never does.....
It wasnt until last night that I realized my mind is still waiting for that baby. Even though there is a new baby, my mind is still waiting on the other baby.
So here I am. Im rejoicing the arrival of Leo, but Im mourning the departure of Owen.......again. Im happy, but Im sad. Im content, but I feel guilty. I feel alone, but I wont let anyone in. Im exhausted and drained, but I want to do it all myself.
Im a mess. I told ya.
I dont know if this makes me sound like a horrible person, or if anyone can relate. I just had to get it out. I just wish it helped more......
Til next time...... (hopefully a happier topic, right?)
xoxo,
S
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