The Struggle

Sigh. Ok. Well. Following my last blog, this one will seem a bit off, but if ya read the title........then.....it is what it is.
I know I am not alone in this. That gives some relief, but it still doesn't make it all better. First off, let me say that I chose to stay home with Mr. Rotten Pants Leo, and I love it. He is quite the handful and makes me wanna pull my hair out minutely, but I would not want someone else raising him, or to send him somewhere with dirty germy kids. I am his mom and if I am fortunate enough to be able to stay home with him like I did my other kids, then I am gonna do it. That being said, there are still those days that sneak up on me and make me doubt myself, make me wonder if I am a good mom, make me wonder what I am supposed to be doing with my life, make me wonder if I am wasting the money my mom worked her ass off to make to pay off my college degree. These days make me feel like a total loser. A total waste of space. A slacker. Basically, I feel like a piece of shit. I guess my ego wins over me on these days. I shouldn't be so vain. I have been around enough to know that I am not sought after by people. I am not on the inside of things. I try and try, but I still remain on the outside looking in. Right now I really don't have the time to throw myself into something. I could make time, but my life is chaotic enough and I want to focus on my kids right now. It will be all too soon that they are out of the house. I just hope they don't look back and think of their mom as a loser who sat at home all day eating Bon Bons and being a worthless piece of crap when I should have been out working like other moms and contributing to society and paying my dues and earning that $100,000 Bachelors Degree in Psychology that my mom worked so hard to pay off, on her own, as a single mom. Ok, now I feel even worse. I thought venting might help a bit, but nope. It's a struggle. It has been for years. I like to think that I am NEEDED and SOUGHT AFTER by people in the workforce, but I'm not. I'm nothing special. I'm nothing that can't be replaced. And that's just a fact of my life. And, the funny thing is........I don't even want a job. I don't want to have to deal with people. I don't want to have to make small talk and deal with work drama. I just.......................I JUST WANT TO BE WANTED. Sigh. So there you have it. A glimpse into one of my deepest darkest demons.
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Til next time.....
xoxo
S