The New Year

The new year is coming, the new year is coming!! To say I am excited to put 2010 behind me is an understatement. I am not a big fan of 2010. It just held way too much sadness.
I wont start there though. I will start with saying that 2010 had some goodness too. I think that the biggest good thing that happened this year was my finding my perfect, awesome, fantastic, excellent, wonderful, PERFECT job teaching the most adorable preschoolers on the planet alongside a longtime best friend. Another good from this year is that I also discovered that no matter how many years are between you, how many mishaps and ups and downs between you, if a friendship is true and genuine, it will come together without any hassle, it will pick right up where it left off, it will be stronger than ever, and it will all happen at the PERFECT moment in time. Funny how that works.
Now, to the flip side, the badness. I wont rehash the bad of the year. Although, it would show how lopsided 2010 was in regards to good vs. bad, happy vs. sad. lol I wont be snarky though. I will just say this. I learned from each sad event and I know that each sad event had a purpose in the grand scheme of things. I am constantly learning and growing as a person. This year, though, I can definitely say I changed. My whole outlook on life was rocked to the core. So, now Im starting anew and feeling my way through all of this. Some things changed along with my changing that I didnt expect to change, but its ok. I have faith that those things will work themselves out in time. Until then, every day is lived moment to moment.
My greatest hope for 2011 is that everything evens out. I know its too much to expect that we have no sadness in 2011, so Im willing to compromise and just ask that the good and the bad at least even out this year. I hope that everyone learns from the events of 2010 and applies what they learned to the events to come in 2011. Lets make this a truly HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Out with the old, in with the new...

xoxo,
S

Help!!! Wanted!!!! Needed!! Must find!!!

I have been hunting like crazy for this bracelet!!! Its a Brighton Floral Trellis, number J35651. I have the lovely ladies of Flirt helping me out but they cant find it in Indiana. Anybody out there in another state seen this bracelet anywhere?? :) Send me a message or comment if you have!! I will love you forever and a day!! Thank you!!

xoxo
S

Coping

This has been posted on several of my friends Facebook pages:

This week (and always) we remember all of the babies born sleeping, those whom we have carried but never met, those we have held but could not take home, and the ones that came home but didn't stay. Make this your status if you or someone you know has suffered the loss of a baby. The majority won't do it, because unlike cancer, baby loss is still a taboo subject. Break the silence. In memory of all tiny angels. ♥

While I havent been able to post this as my own status, just because I cant bring myself to do it. I just wanted everyone to know that seeing it and reading the comments that follow it, have really helped me. I am slowing learning that I am not alone in this struggle. I read the comments and I discover that several people I know have experienced what I have gone through, either in their own life or in their family life. I had no idea. Before I went through this I had never known anyone to lose a baby so late into a pregnancy, I never knew that Owen's diagnosis existed. The closest I came is having close friends who had miscarried early in their pregnancy, sometimes multiple pregnancies. A whole new world has been opened to me. Its a world that I wish I didnt have to know about, a world that I wish didnt exist for anyone.

Maybe this is why this happened to me. Maybe I needed to have my eyes opened to this sad world a little bit more.

I am starting to do better. I still have my breakdown moments, but I feel myself getting stronger. It will always hurt, I know that. But I am feeling less and less like I have to have a wall up.

I had to shut out babies and people with babies in order to cope and for that I am sorry. You know who you are. I hope that you know deep in your heart that I did not mean any hurt by it. I just had to do it to protect myself and to be able to move forward.

I think thats all for now...

xoxo,
S

Two Faced

I feel like lately I have two faces. I have the face that most of you see. I also have the face that I keep hidden.


The face that most of you see is the one where Im strong, the one where I can push things out of my mind and function like a normal person. This is the face I have when Im out in public and I have things that distract me and keep my mind occupied. This is the face where I focus on doing things for other people and being there for other people. This is the face you see when Im at work and when Im volunteering at Columbia. This face is the one that I try to keep on for as long as I possibly can each day.


The face I keep hidden is the one where the slightest thing can trigger a breakdown. This is the face that sneaks up on me. It doesnt have to be blatant, in my face, BAM sort of trigger. It just has to be the tiniest little thing that makes me think all over again, "what if", "what could have been", "what wasnt", and those always get followed by the ever lovely, "WHY!?!?". I really struggle with the Why. I think if I knew the Why, everything else would be easier. But, then I realize Ill probably never know the Why.



So, how do I balance these two faces??
As best I can.



xoxo,
S


Maybe one of these days Ill figure it all out and even get back to happy, silly, fun blogs again!!

Aye yi yi!!

How the heck are you supposed to handle being caught off guard in a graceful manner?? Does anyone know? I suck at it, to put it mildly!!

The first time someone asked me about Owen after he died was just a couple of days after he was born. I had to take my oldest to pick up his glasses and the receptionist noticed I wasnt pregnant anymore and was so excited that I had had him. I had to break the news to her that he was stillborn. She felt bad and started crying. I started crying. It was just horrible.

The next time was a couple weeks ago at Maxs school. A little girl from his class last year asked me how my baby was and I just stood there, not knowing what to say or how to answer her. Shes only 7 for cryin out loud!! It doesnt make sense to me as an adult, how is it supposed to make sense to a child?? I think I finally just said that he didnt make it. Whats that even mean? She asked me why and I said that it just happens sometimes. Ugh. I dont think I handled that well.

Since that day I have been able to control it. I think about Owen everyday but since I control when I think about him, Im not caught off guard and Im prepared for it.

Until yesterday when I got caught off guard again by a parent of one of my kids from work. She asked me how the baby was and I was so caught off guard that I played stupid and said huh (like what baby?). She repeated it and I just started tearing up. She felt bad and I felt bad. I went home and cried the rest of the night thinking how much I miss him and how much I suck at being caught off guard and wondering how to be better at it.

I was doing so good, or at least I thought I was. I just dont like surprises. I dont like being caught off guard. I like controlling when I think of Owen so that I dont have a breakdown in public. Yet at the same time I really appreciate that he hasnt been forgotten. Im so complicated, arent I? lol

People keep telling me how strong they think I am. I guess I put up a pretty good front because, to be honest, I dont feel strong. I just feel sad. They say it will get easier with time. Id like to punch "they" in the head. How does it get easier? How can it possibly get easier? How can I ever be content with the fact that I got to hold my baby but I never got to see him open his eyes, or make a sound, or move? I dont think it will ever get easier, but I do think that I will learn how to better be caught off guard. Or, at least, I hope I do.

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Thats all I got...

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xoxo

S

Obe La Dee, Obe La Dah

Life does, indeed, go on. Ive attempted many times to blog, but the words never came out right, so I deleted it.

Today was my due date. This is the "final hurdle" in this journey. This is the last thing I have looming that reminds me I lost a baby. I had a small breakdown this morning just thinking about what could have been. I had to rein myself back in and the rest of the day was good.

I had an epiphany last week. I wont go into detail but just know that it was the one thing that put things back into perspective for me. It was the one thing I had to figure out for myself in order for me to be able to move on, move forward. I still have breakdowns every now and then, but at least now I have something to remind myself of that will pull me back to reality.

Things are slowly getting easier. I still have moments of despair, but I think that I always will. I just cant let it run my life. I have other people in my life who count on me. Allowing myself to be normal again, is ok. Thats my mantra.

Its slowly getting easier for me to see other peoples babies and to see other people enjoying their baby and not mourning a loss like I am. Ive discovered that this not only applies to my real life, but also to my TV life. I honestly couldnt watch one of my favorite shows, "Bethenny Getting Married?", because her baby looks so much like Owen from the profile that I thought my heart was being ripped out of my chest whenever they showed her. I think, now, that I have to see these things and endure these things in order to "build my tolerance level", so to speak.

What the future holds, I truly have no idea. I go back and forth. If its meant to be, it will be. Im not going to force the issue. I have to believe that I went on this journey for some reason. Although I have no freaking clue what that reason is at this point. I hope that one day I will know.

Moving on....

The kids have gone back to school. Yes, already. They all seem very happy to be back at school and seeing all of their friends. I keep thinking that next year I will have a high schooler. Man, Im old!!

Chug chug chug....

I get to go back to work soon which I am so looking forward to!! When I started my job, I came in at the tail end of the year. I am excited to see what the beginning and middle are like!!

LOL

Chug chug chug also makes me think of something else besides moving along. Drinking wine. Yes, I have missed it. I had my first drink yesterday. I felt sorta normal again. Now if I could just lose this extra weight so that my clothes fit and I dont have to keep wearing the same pair of capris every stinkin day, Ill be set!!

Thats all.

xoxo,

S

Our Angel

July 7, 2010

We will always love you, Owen!!!

Mommy

35 weeks

Say hello to Mister No Longer Breech Owen!! :)

xoxo,
S

33 weeks (last week)

This is actually my pic from last week. I didnt ever post it. I take pics every two weeks, so the next one may not even fit on this page. lol I feel like I have really popped out this week. Im hoping that Owen is the one getting all of the food I have been eating. I swear I am channeling my Gramma who eats, then has a snack, then eats, then has a snack, then eats, then has a snack, cuz thats been how my 34th week has gone. I might get in trouble at my next doctors appt. But then again, at our ultrasound, he was a pound underweight according to the tech, so maybe it will all even out. Yeah....lets go with that!! :) Im still continuing to be positive and hopeful and praying everyday. Theres only 40 days left!! HOLY CRAP!!! Keep those prayers coming our way!! :)

xoxo,
S

PS- Look!! I do have a head!! lmao

Reflecting

I have had something rattling around in my head for a while now. I have come to understand part of it, I think. I dont see myself ever understanding the whole thing, but I think that is the point. I am able to take something new away from this experience and I think that is enough to be happy with.
These past few months have been the hardest and most emotionally conflicting months I have ever had to endure. I like for things to make sense, I like to find the answer to things, I am an anal person, I like control, I like organization and I like being able to have a plan in my head for what I want to get accomplished and then get it done. I havent been able to do that so this has been a new experience for me, but one that just because of what it is, has helped me to appreciate it more. It has been a matter of relishing each moment instead of checking things off of a checklist.
When I think about how unexpected this was and how I most likely would be handling it if things hadnt gone the way they had a few months ago, I am certain I would be taking it for granted and be naggy and whiney and annoying. Instead, though, I feel I am really focusing on the positive and enjoying every aspect.
Thats not to say that this still isnt the most difficult thing, but I have just learned to appreciate it because of how difficult it is, in some strange way that I cant fully understand or explain. And even though we still dont know what the outcome will be, I am grateful for the learning and growth that I have been able to experience because of it. I am grateful that my faith has been strengthened throughout this journey.
I dont know if this is the path I was supposed to end up on or if I am way off base, but this is what I have been able to accept in my head. I still have alot more that I dont really understand the reason behind, but at this point in time, thats ok. I dont have to understand everything, I just have to be able to look at myself and know that I was the best person I could be in the hardest time.

xoxo
S

PS. BLTRAK

Summer!!! :)

Lets get caught up, shall we?? :)
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School is out, both for me and for my kids as well. Now the lazy days of summer begin!! Yay!!
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We have been to the Dunes already this summer. Max had been insisting that we go for weeks before school was even out, and so, on his birthday, he got his wish!! It was HOT and a great day for the dunes!! The water was freezing though!!! The kids didnt seem to mind and we all had a great day!! :)
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The RBF is next week and I will be walking in it with my girlies from work and our kids from this past school year!! Im hoping for no humidity that day!! :) Us teachers are wearing shirts that have our personal silly motto on them, "What happens in preschool, stays in preschool!" I decorated mine and Kim's. The kids all got to use Sharpies and decorate their shirts however they wanted. They turned out so cute!! :)
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In baby news, I am 31 weeks today and I am going to see my doctor every two weeks now. I was told two weeks ago that I could only gain two pounds the next time she saw me. This is because I had managed to gain a whopping TWELVE pounds in one month!! Ahh!! It was all that eating at school, holy crap!!! Thankfully school is out now and at my last appointment this past Wednesday, I had actually lost two pounds, so she was pleased. Woohoo!! My iron and sugar tests came back good too. Yay!! She is concerned that lil Owen is breech still and wants me to tell him to turn otherwise its not going to be a very fun delivery day. She will most likely schedule one last ultrasound just to check his size and position. We did talk about delivery day as well because it is my biggest anxiety. She assured me that she would assemble a team who would be caring and supportive and not treat my baby according to the label the amnio gave him. That made me feel better!! Although Owen is doing well and his spine, brain, heart and all of his organs are normal, and his weight and size are good, he is moving constantly (I read that his senses are now all formed and I have noticed that he startles now at loud noises, which is a good sign!!) and hiccuping, we still have that label in the back of our minds and following us wherever we go. I ask that you all please continue your prayers for us as we enter the final stretch. There are less than 10 weeks to go!!! If you could throw in a prayer that the stubborn lil worm un-breeches himself, that would sure help me out alot!! Thanks for all of your prayers, love, and support!!
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I guess I will wrap this up. I hope everyone enjoys their summer!! We have a very busy one ahead of us!! I have family and friends coming home and BBQs and Rusty is doing another wedding, and shew, its exhausting to just think about!!
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Take care of you!! :)
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xoxo,
S

Looking back

Normally I would not say this. For this one instance though, I would.

Looking back, I would have made one change.

I would NOT have done the amnio.

I didnt want to do the amnio to begin with. That was the whole reason for going and getting the Level II ultrasound in South Bend. I felt backed into a corner when I decided to do the amnio. I felt bullied and I had just been told that if the one marker they saw was because of what they thought it could be of, my baby could die. I pretty much just said, "Fine, do it." to shut up the cold, mean doctor and get away from him.

I wish I would have stuck to my guns and went with my initial decision to NOT have the amnio, no matter what news they had just told me. I wish that I would have been in the right state of mind instead of making a rushed decision.

As a result of that rushed decision, we now have to endure this LABEL every where we turn and with every doctor and nurse we encounter. I feel like I have doomed my baby with a label he may never be able to escape.

I feel horrible about this. You cant even begin to know how horrible I feel about this.

This label has been the sole reason for all of the emotional distress and roller coasters and fears and downright sucking away of the joy of being pregnant. I have to constantly push it to the back of my mind, not dwell on it, not allow myself to scour the internet. I have to live in anxiety of going into labor and being in a hospital with a staff who KNOWS the label and instead of treating me like a normal woman about to give birth, are waiting for my baby to die.

Can you even come close to imagining what that feels like?

HOW am I supposed to do that? How am I supposed to go through labor, which is hard enough in a normal circumstance, knowing this label, and knowing what it could mean, and knowing that the medical staff all know, and.....

I dont expect anyone to actually answer that question. I cant even answer it for myself and I am living it.

I just have to have faith that them only seeing one marker on BOTH (South Bend and IU Med) of the Level II ultrasounds we have had, is a sign from God that maybe the amnio was wrong with its diagnosis, that maybe our baby will defy this label he has been given, that maybe we can get rid of this label so that he doesnt have to endure my bad decision for one more second after he is born.

I have to have faith that in both of the reports given to my doctor from the Level II ultrasounds, the specialists seemed to have a glimmer of hope. The IU doctor seemed shocked that they didnt find a bunch of things wrong with my baby. There were no major abnormalities found at either scan. The brain and heart and organs were all as they should be. The spine is fine too. The only thing that showed up was this one marker, which can also be found in normal babies as well (that was the second sentence out of the specialists mouths after they told me they had seen this one marker), and is easily fixed.

I just hope and pray the amnio was wrong. I want to have to chance to make amends for this decision I made that labeled my baby.

Looking back, I would have made that one change.

xoxo

S

Today

This is my horse, Sisco.

On days like today, I just want to ride.
I want to ride and not have to think.
I want to not have a care in the world.

I havent been feeling very strong today.
My head has been kicked into overdrive.
I have been thinking things I dont want to think.

Thinking shouldnt be a bad thing.
But when it gets you no where and drains you fast,
Its not a good thing.

I shouldnt think about what I have been thinking about.
I should be positive and strong.
I know I should be.

But today, I wasnt.

I needed my horse today.
I needed to ride today.
I needed to not think today.

xoxo
S

Progression

This pic was taken at 11 weeks (basically right about the time I found out I was pregnant). I could still wear my normal clothes then. lol



This was taken today, at 27 weeks.

I will be entering my third trimester next week. I thank God for every week that Owen grows. I cant look much farther than a week at a time, no matter how much I long to. Keep praying for us and for our miracle!!

xoxo
S

I havent laughed like that in a long time.....

Today at school we had our kids in line to go to a different room. Halfway through the line someone gave me a hug which was followed by another hug from the child behind them, and so on and so on for about 5 or 6 kids. Well on the last lil boy, I guess baby Owen didnt appreciate all of the squeezing and he gave a good KICK to the lil boys head. The lil boy just looked at me like, "Why the heck did you do that?". lmao Kim and I laughed so hard we had tears and I almost peed my pants. I havent had a good laugh like that in over a month. It felt good to laugh and be able to enjoy a special moment like that.

Yesterday at my doctors appointment, baby kicked my doctor when she was palpating him and AGAIN when she was listening with her doppler. She laughed and said, "He is a sassy one!"

If you poke him once, he gets ya back right away!! Its pretty funny. And when he is hungry, do NOT mess with him. I swear he is pinching me until I eat. He definitely has the "Arlene" blood running strong. ;)

I hope and pray that I have many many many more special moments like these!!

xoxo
S

UPDATE: I felt hiccups for the first time tonight. 4/28/10

A Picture Says It All (25.2 weeks)

My Brighton charms...

xoxo
S

Big Ben

Yes, Im a Steelers fan. I blame my mom. She has made me wear Steelers clothing since the days of Terry Bradshaw and Franco Harris. Im not so much a football fan, but I love the Steelers and I love Ben so I will watch it for them. Ben has made some really really crappy choices lately and he is going down the wrong path. It happens way too often in our society. These young people get all this pressure put on them and if they arent taught how to handle it, they get in trouble. I can see both sides of the story when it comes to Ben. I can see him being a cocky perv behaving badly when hes drank too much AND I can see some skank just wanting to take advantage of his fame and get her 15 minutes. That is not the point though. The point is that the NFL finally did what they have needed to do for a long time and they are having Ben get the help he needs. He has a big choice to make and I really really hope he takes this opportunity seriously and takes full advantage of what he is being offered. Its not too late for him to make a fresh start and to be the kind of man he should be and the kind of role model young kids need. I am 100% for therapy and changing behavior. It CAN be done, as long as you WANT it to be done and you can ADMIT that you have changes to make. I will miss you during your suspension, Ben, but I really hope that you use this time wisely and get back on track!! I absolutely do NOT want to see you get yourself traded!! I have the cutest pink #7 jersey!!! Show them you are serious and you want the help and do the work!!! Playtime is over, its time to be a man now and make everyone proud of your behavior again!!

xoxo
S


UPDATE: I wanted to add the statement Ben made about his suspension (courtesy of the Steelers official website):


Statement By Ben Roethlisberger Regarding His Suspension
Posted Apr 26, 2010

"The Commissioner’s decision to suspend me speaks clearly that more is expected of me. I am accountable for the consequences of my actions. Though I have committed no crime, I regret that I have fallen short of the values instilled in me by my family. I will not appeal the suspension and will comply with what is asked of me ─ and more.

Missing games will be devastating for me. I am sorry to let down my teammates and the entire Steelers fan base. I am disappointed that I have reached this point and will not put myself in this situation again.

I appreciate the opportunities that I have been given in my life and will make the necessary improvements.”

MY NEW MOST AWESOME JOB :)

Well folks, it has happened. I didnt think it was ever going to happen. Not since 1995 have I said these words, "I love my job!". Now its 2010 and thats how ever many years since 1995.....I dont do math.......and I can say it again!!

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I LOVE MY JOB!!!! :)

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I started my new job today and seriously, I dont even think I should call it a job, it was way too much fun to be......gasp......work. I get to spend the day with a long time friend who is just as blonde as I am and together we get to play with 3, 4, and 5 years olds and sneak in some learning stuff along the way.

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I was starting to think that I wouldnt use my Psych and Social Work education again in a "job" setting. I use it in every day life, but I never thought I would use it in something that paid me. But now I get to. AND and and, I also get to do that Education thing that I dont have a degree in, but I absolutely love doing!!

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I had a total blast today and I cant wait to go back and see those little smiling faces, asking me "Who are YOU?". lol

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I just wanted to share my good news. Its been a very rough past 4 weeks, and I am so happy and thankful to have good news for a change.

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xoxo

S

Where is the line...

There should be a line, but there isnt. Thats what makes it so hard. Thats what makes all of it a complete and total leap of faith.

Which is worse, not knowing enough or knowing too much?? At this particular moment, I would have to say the latter of the two is worse.

Where is that line that gets crossed between wanting to find something out in order to benefit someone and finding out just because you can find out? Is the medical field taking it too far, meddling too much with nature, trying to take over Gods work?

These are things that until recent weeks, I had never had to think about. I lived carefree and ate junk food and drank too much caffeine and, now, I try to eat well and be a good grownup and it seems at every corner I am told more bad news. And the people telling me the bad news act as if they are telling me their favorite color. Its no big deal to them. To them I am just a number. Whats that oath that doctors have to take? I should look up the wording of that. Maybe I should have them all repeat it to me before they tell me any news or tell me what they think.

When is it too much to handle? I feel like I am being ripped to shreds. My strength and my hope is being tested on a daily basis. Faced with what I have been faced with, I still want to believe that everything is ok, and I am to the point where Id rather have things caveman style than deal with all of these doctors and all of their self-proclaimed knowledge and technology and tests.

Grr.


UPDATE:
In other news, a while back I was able to settle on one thing that I wanted to be when I grow up. YAY ME!!! I posted it on Facebook but I have been such a slacker blogger that I never brought it here. So. Thats one thing off my plate and off my mind. Thats all I can tell you about this topic........for now.

Self Therapy blog, maybe?

I have things on my mind.
This is what happens when I have all day to think with nothing but the dogs and the laundry to distract me. Thinking is a good thing, but it tends to lead to overthinking and overthinking is bad. Overthinking leads to depression and low self worth and paranoia. Not good, right? Nope. Darn right yucky.
So perhaps venting in the form of blogging will allow me to escape overthinking and all of its poor qualities and release all of this from my head. Or at least I can try.
Lets start with.......being pregnant. I was not planning on this and I am finding that I am really freaked out and not emotionally and physically prepared for this journey. I thought I was done and I had put to rest all of the feelings and pain of this whole process. Aye yi yi. I gotta figure out how to process all of this and find the strength to do it. I feel too old. I feel like I have forgotten how to do this. I can do this, right?
Now lets move on to......being jobless. I was not planning on this either. Yes it was my choice to leave, but for me, being without a job is like me being without a sense of who I am. Rather, who I am supposed to be. I wish for......no.....I long for the day when I can say "I love my job!", whatever that job may be. I really dont know what I am supposed to be doing. Ive battled this for a while and I just cant seem to land on one for sure thing that holds my attention and my passion. Im a pinball machine ball, just bouncing around, being flung back and forth, til I finally settle where I belong. Wherever the heck that is?
I know what you are thinking. I said I wasnt planning on either of those things happening which is true, but in a way it comes out sounding like Im not accepting responsibility for my part in either of these events. Not even close. I accept my part in both of these things and I accept how I had a choice in both matters and I accept how they have affected me. That doesnt mean though that that I have figured out the next phase. It just means that I understand the beginning.
Other than that, Im good. Thank goodness, huh? ;)
Til next time...
xoxo
S

Whats happening?

My gosh. Where to even begin? I guess the last time I blogged it was Christmas, so we will pick up in January of this new year.

Well, we had my birthday, 29 of course, in January. :)

I got a bit of a birthday surprise a few days before my birthday. I discovered I was pregnant. I had none of the obvious symptoms, and one of the symptoms wasnt very distinct so I thought nothing of it. It was pretty typical for me actually. Anyway. I was trying to figure out when I last changed my contacts so I was flipping through my calendar. I suddenly realized a certain other monthly date was missing from my calendar.........for quite a few months. Um, OOPS! So I took a test. And the next day another one. And the next day another one. Well, lets just say there was no need to grade on a curve cuz the results were all exactly the same each time. I finally gave in and decided it wasnt wrong.

So I tell Husband when he gets home. His response was "Are you kidding me?". Um. No.

Then I have to tell my mother. It went better than I expected but Im pretty sure she knew I was anxiety ridden already and she didnt want to further upset me.

Then I told my kids. Brodie said "Good for you, hope its a boy." and thats all he had to say about it. Max said "I hope its a boy too and I hope it doesnt bite my legs and follow me around." I think he thinks its a puppy?? lol Hannah thought I was joking and then she walked out of the room. I talked to her later and shes ok with it now, but at first she was not a happy girl.

Then it went down the line to letting the rest of my family know, letting my close close friends know, and slowly letting it all sink in and become real. There were some that were really happy and some that thought I was joking.

I headed to my doctor. She laughed when she saw me cuz I had told her I would NOT be back for a baby. She scheduled an Ultrasound cuz we really had no idea how far along I was. (Remember that not so distinct symptom I told you about?)

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As of today I am 14 weeks, 3 days. I do not feel pregnant, just fat and tired.

The really funny thing about this whole deal is that one of my good friends is also pregnant and her due date is just four days after mine. We both have 3 kids already, we both have the same doctor, and we have both decided that we want to be in the hospital at the same time. Our doctor found this pretty funny too. :)

Some other things have happened too in these first two months of 2010, but I dont really care to discuss one of them. Ya never know whos eyes are lookin. Lets just say that although the choice I made was a good one for me, I know I didnt go about it in the best manner. For that I am sorry, but I am not sorry that I left.

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I may have more news coming up, but I dont want to jump the gun. I will keep you posted on it as well as try to be a better blogger. ;)

Til next time...

xoxo

S