It feels like whenever I reach a point in my life where things are awesome and going great, that something happens and I have to claw my way out of a hole. Whats up with that?
It feels like whenever I write a happy blog, that something happens and I have to write a blog where I am once again searching for answers. Whats up with that?
Im all about learning and growing, but I also enjoy consistency and unchangingness.
Im left confused. Its not like this happened all on its own, I had a choice in the matter for one detail. Since the day of that one detail, things have spiraled toward Negativeville. Maybe its just a coincidence. I dont really believe in coincidences though. These things could be the product of my overanalyzing, overactive imagination. Maybe they arent really happening at all.
It seems like they are though.
I made a choice one day recently, for myself. It wasnt an entirely selfish choice. It was more a choice of knowing myself and having been in a similar circumstance in the past and knowing how that circumstance affected myself and those closest to me. Now, I feel like because of that choice, the thing that has brought me great joy and happiness lately is fading away.
I dont know what to do or if there is even anything I can do. Its been tearing me apart the past few days. I feel like in the blink of an eye, I have worn out my welcome. I feel like the foot I had in the door just got slammed in the door and then pushed out.
Ive been giving it time, time to see whether or not its a fluke or if it has any validity. It could be a fluke simply because the choice I made also narrowed things down. I could just ask and find out for sure but I am scared of what I might hear. If I am right in my feelings, I dont want to hear what I would hear.
So...
Here I sit. Waiting. Wondering.
Was the choice I made the right choice?
How do we know what we are supposed to do with our lives? It seems to me that if something makes you happy, and that thing also helps other people, then thats what you should do. But what if it makes you happy and then things happen and as a result you cant do what makes you happy?
Im sure this makes no sense to anyone but me. Im just trying to sort it all out in my head and writing it down helps sometimes. So hopefully it will help. We will see.
Thanks for listening.
xoxo
S
UPDATE: I have decided to redecide my previous decision and make a completely new decision. The call has been made and I have a new plan in place (as a result of the events that occurred which prompted me to make my first decision in the first place), and thats that. Dunno why I didnt think of this sooner.......darn me and my having to think things through instead of just knowing automatically!!!!!
Ok SRYS I think I followed alot of that, but I am fairly confused. I miss firing e-mails back and forth, and reading this has reminded me that I have not been very good at keeping an eye on my friends. I have not been tuning in enough to see what is going on in your world. I intend to change that.
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