Looking back

Normally I would not say this. For this one instance though, I would.

Looking back, I would have made one change.

I would NOT have done the amnio.

I didnt want to do the amnio to begin with. That was the whole reason for going and getting the Level II ultrasound in South Bend. I felt backed into a corner when I decided to do the amnio. I felt bullied and I had just been told that if the one marker they saw was because of what they thought it could be of, my baby could die. I pretty much just said, "Fine, do it." to shut up the cold, mean doctor and get away from him.

I wish I would have stuck to my guns and went with my initial decision to NOT have the amnio, no matter what news they had just told me. I wish that I would have been in the right state of mind instead of making a rushed decision.

As a result of that rushed decision, we now have to endure this LABEL every where we turn and with every doctor and nurse we encounter. I feel like I have doomed my baby with a label he may never be able to escape.

I feel horrible about this. You cant even begin to know how horrible I feel about this.

This label has been the sole reason for all of the emotional distress and roller coasters and fears and downright sucking away of the joy of being pregnant. I have to constantly push it to the back of my mind, not dwell on it, not allow myself to scour the internet. I have to live in anxiety of going into labor and being in a hospital with a staff who KNOWS the label and instead of treating me like a normal woman about to give birth, are waiting for my baby to die.

Can you even come close to imagining what that feels like?

HOW am I supposed to do that? How am I supposed to go through labor, which is hard enough in a normal circumstance, knowing this label, and knowing what it could mean, and knowing that the medical staff all know, and.....

I dont expect anyone to actually answer that question. I cant even answer it for myself and I am living it.

I just have to have faith that them only seeing one marker on BOTH (South Bend and IU Med) of the Level II ultrasounds we have had, is a sign from God that maybe the amnio was wrong with its diagnosis, that maybe our baby will defy this label he has been given, that maybe we can get rid of this label so that he doesnt have to endure my bad decision for one more second after he is born.

I have to have faith that in both of the reports given to my doctor from the Level II ultrasounds, the specialists seemed to have a glimmer of hope. The IU doctor seemed shocked that they didnt find a bunch of things wrong with my baby. There were no major abnormalities found at either scan. The brain and heart and organs were all as they should be. The spine is fine too. The only thing that showed up was this one marker, which can also be found in normal babies as well (that was the second sentence out of the specialists mouths after they told me they had seen this one marker), and is easily fixed.

I just hope and pray the amnio was wrong. I want to have to chance to make amends for this decision I made that labeled my baby.

Looking back, I would have made that one change.

xoxo

S

Today

This is my horse, Sisco.

On days like today, I just want to ride.
I want to ride and not have to think.
I want to not have a care in the world.

I havent been feeling very strong today.
My head has been kicked into overdrive.
I have been thinking things I dont want to think.

Thinking shouldnt be a bad thing.
But when it gets you no where and drains you fast,
Its not a good thing.

I shouldnt think about what I have been thinking about.
I should be positive and strong.
I know I should be.

But today, I wasnt.

I needed my horse today.
I needed to ride today.
I needed to not think today.

xoxo
S

Progression

This pic was taken at 11 weeks (basically right about the time I found out I was pregnant). I could still wear my normal clothes then. lol



This was taken today, at 27 weeks.

I will be entering my third trimester next week. I thank God for every week that Owen grows. I cant look much farther than a week at a time, no matter how much I long to. Keep praying for us and for our miracle!!

xoxo
S

I havent laughed like that in a long time.....

Today at school we had our kids in line to go to a different room. Halfway through the line someone gave me a hug which was followed by another hug from the child behind them, and so on and so on for about 5 or 6 kids. Well on the last lil boy, I guess baby Owen didnt appreciate all of the squeezing and he gave a good KICK to the lil boys head. The lil boy just looked at me like, "Why the heck did you do that?". lmao Kim and I laughed so hard we had tears and I almost peed my pants. I havent had a good laugh like that in over a month. It felt good to laugh and be able to enjoy a special moment like that.

Yesterday at my doctors appointment, baby kicked my doctor when she was palpating him and AGAIN when she was listening with her doppler. She laughed and said, "He is a sassy one!"

If you poke him once, he gets ya back right away!! Its pretty funny. And when he is hungry, do NOT mess with him. I swear he is pinching me until I eat. He definitely has the "Arlene" blood running strong. ;)

I hope and pray that I have many many many more special moments like these!!

xoxo
S

UPDATE: I felt hiccups for the first time tonight. 4/28/10

A Picture Says It All (25.2 weeks)

My Brighton charms...

xoxo
S

Big Ben

Yes, Im a Steelers fan. I blame my mom. She has made me wear Steelers clothing since the days of Terry Bradshaw and Franco Harris. Im not so much a football fan, but I love the Steelers and I love Ben so I will watch it for them. Ben has made some really really crappy choices lately and he is going down the wrong path. It happens way too often in our society. These young people get all this pressure put on them and if they arent taught how to handle it, they get in trouble. I can see both sides of the story when it comes to Ben. I can see him being a cocky perv behaving badly when hes drank too much AND I can see some skank just wanting to take advantage of his fame and get her 15 minutes. That is not the point though. The point is that the NFL finally did what they have needed to do for a long time and they are having Ben get the help he needs. He has a big choice to make and I really really hope he takes this opportunity seriously and takes full advantage of what he is being offered. Its not too late for him to make a fresh start and to be the kind of man he should be and the kind of role model young kids need. I am 100% for therapy and changing behavior. It CAN be done, as long as you WANT it to be done and you can ADMIT that you have changes to make. I will miss you during your suspension, Ben, but I really hope that you use this time wisely and get back on track!! I absolutely do NOT want to see you get yourself traded!! I have the cutest pink #7 jersey!!! Show them you are serious and you want the help and do the work!!! Playtime is over, its time to be a man now and make everyone proud of your behavior again!!

xoxo
S


UPDATE: I wanted to add the statement Ben made about his suspension (courtesy of the Steelers official website):


Statement By Ben Roethlisberger Regarding His Suspension
Posted Apr 26, 2010

"The Commissioner’s decision to suspend me speaks clearly that more is expected of me. I am accountable for the consequences of my actions. Though I have committed no crime, I regret that I have fallen short of the values instilled in me by my family. I will not appeal the suspension and will comply with what is asked of me ─ and more.

Missing games will be devastating for me. I am sorry to let down my teammates and the entire Steelers fan base. I am disappointed that I have reached this point and will not put myself in this situation again.

I appreciate the opportunities that I have been given in my life and will make the necessary improvements.”

MY NEW MOST AWESOME JOB :)

Well folks, it has happened. I didnt think it was ever going to happen. Not since 1995 have I said these words, "I love my job!". Now its 2010 and thats how ever many years since 1995.....I dont do math.......and I can say it again!!

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I LOVE MY JOB!!!! :)

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I started my new job today and seriously, I dont even think I should call it a job, it was way too much fun to be......gasp......work. I get to spend the day with a long time friend who is just as blonde as I am and together we get to play with 3, 4, and 5 years olds and sneak in some learning stuff along the way.

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I was starting to think that I wouldnt use my Psych and Social Work education again in a "job" setting. I use it in every day life, but I never thought I would use it in something that paid me. But now I get to. AND and and, I also get to do that Education thing that I dont have a degree in, but I absolutely love doing!!

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I had a total blast today and I cant wait to go back and see those little smiling faces, asking me "Who are YOU?". lol

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I just wanted to share my good news. Its been a very rough past 4 weeks, and I am so happy and thankful to have good news for a change.

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xoxo

S

Where is the line...

There should be a line, but there isnt. Thats what makes it so hard. Thats what makes all of it a complete and total leap of faith.

Which is worse, not knowing enough or knowing too much?? At this particular moment, I would have to say the latter of the two is worse.

Where is that line that gets crossed between wanting to find something out in order to benefit someone and finding out just because you can find out? Is the medical field taking it too far, meddling too much with nature, trying to take over Gods work?

These are things that until recent weeks, I had never had to think about. I lived carefree and ate junk food and drank too much caffeine and, now, I try to eat well and be a good grownup and it seems at every corner I am told more bad news. And the people telling me the bad news act as if they are telling me their favorite color. Its no big deal to them. To them I am just a number. Whats that oath that doctors have to take? I should look up the wording of that. Maybe I should have them all repeat it to me before they tell me any news or tell me what they think.

When is it too much to handle? I feel like I am being ripped to shreds. My strength and my hope is being tested on a daily basis. Faced with what I have been faced with, I still want to believe that everything is ok, and I am to the point where Id rather have things caveman style than deal with all of these doctors and all of their self-proclaimed knowledge and technology and tests.

Grr.


UPDATE:
In other news, a while back I was able to settle on one thing that I wanted to be when I grow up. YAY ME!!! I posted it on Facebook but I have been such a slacker blogger that I never brought it here. So. Thats one thing off my plate and off my mind. Thats all I can tell you about this topic........for now.

Self Therapy blog, maybe?

I have things on my mind.
This is what happens when I have all day to think with nothing but the dogs and the laundry to distract me. Thinking is a good thing, but it tends to lead to overthinking and overthinking is bad. Overthinking leads to depression and low self worth and paranoia. Not good, right? Nope. Darn right yucky.
So perhaps venting in the form of blogging will allow me to escape overthinking and all of its poor qualities and release all of this from my head. Or at least I can try.
Lets start with.......being pregnant. I was not planning on this and I am finding that I am really freaked out and not emotionally and physically prepared for this journey. I thought I was done and I had put to rest all of the feelings and pain of this whole process. Aye yi yi. I gotta figure out how to process all of this and find the strength to do it. I feel too old. I feel like I have forgotten how to do this. I can do this, right?
Now lets move on to......being jobless. I was not planning on this either. Yes it was my choice to leave, but for me, being without a job is like me being without a sense of who I am. Rather, who I am supposed to be. I wish for......no.....I long for the day when I can say "I love my job!", whatever that job may be. I really dont know what I am supposed to be doing. Ive battled this for a while and I just cant seem to land on one for sure thing that holds my attention and my passion. Im a pinball machine ball, just bouncing around, being flung back and forth, til I finally settle where I belong. Wherever the heck that is?
I know what you are thinking. I said I wasnt planning on either of those things happening which is true, but in a way it comes out sounding like Im not accepting responsibility for my part in either of these events. Not even close. I accept my part in both of these things and I accept how I had a choice in both matters and I accept how they have affected me. That doesnt mean though that that I have figured out the next phase. It just means that I understand the beginning.
Other than that, Im good. Thank goodness, huh? ;)
Til next time...
xoxo
S

Whats happening?

My gosh. Where to even begin? I guess the last time I blogged it was Christmas, so we will pick up in January of this new year.

Well, we had my birthday, 29 of course, in January. :)

I got a bit of a birthday surprise a few days before my birthday. I discovered I was pregnant. I had none of the obvious symptoms, and one of the symptoms wasnt very distinct so I thought nothing of it. It was pretty typical for me actually. Anyway. I was trying to figure out when I last changed my contacts so I was flipping through my calendar. I suddenly realized a certain other monthly date was missing from my calendar.........for quite a few months. Um, OOPS! So I took a test. And the next day another one. And the next day another one. Well, lets just say there was no need to grade on a curve cuz the results were all exactly the same each time. I finally gave in and decided it wasnt wrong.

So I tell Husband when he gets home. His response was "Are you kidding me?". Um. No.

Then I have to tell my mother. It went better than I expected but Im pretty sure she knew I was anxiety ridden already and she didnt want to further upset me.

Then I told my kids. Brodie said "Good for you, hope its a boy." and thats all he had to say about it. Max said "I hope its a boy too and I hope it doesnt bite my legs and follow me around." I think he thinks its a puppy?? lol Hannah thought I was joking and then she walked out of the room. I talked to her later and shes ok with it now, but at first she was not a happy girl.

Then it went down the line to letting the rest of my family know, letting my close close friends know, and slowly letting it all sink in and become real. There were some that were really happy and some that thought I was joking.

I headed to my doctor. She laughed when she saw me cuz I had told her I would NOT be back for a baby. She scheduled an Ultrasound cuz we really had no idea how far along I was. (Remember that not so distinct symptom I told you about?)

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As of today I am 14 weeks, 3 days. I do not feel pregnant, just fat and tired.

The really funny thing about this whole deal is that one of my good friends is also pregnant and her due date is just four days after mine. We both have 3 kids already, we both have the same doctor, and we have both decided that we want to be in the hospital at the same time. Our doctor found this pretty funny too. :)

Some other things have happened too in these first two months of 2010, but I dont really care to discuss one of them. Ya never know whos eyes are lookin. Lets just say that although the choice I made was a good one for me, I know I didnt go about it in the best manner. For that I am sorry, but I am not sorry that I left.

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I may have more news coming up, but I dont want to jump the gun. I will keep you posted on it as well as try to be a better blogger. ;)

Til next time...

xoxo

S