Smile :)

Thats all ya get!! A big ole smile with some pretty whatever kind of flowers those are!!

Im vagueblogging.

xoxo,

S

Just this.

No picture.

No paragraphs.

Just this.

Can it stop now?

Please.

Make it stop.

Slacker!!

Yep. Thats me!! Big ole blog slacker!!

Im sure youll all forgive me though, right? :)

Things have just been really busy and although they have been busy, not alot has happened. If that makes any sense at all?

This month is one of my faves and it deserves a blog. May!! Its when summer finally gets here and hopefully the rain stops so the flowers can come!! Its when we moved into our house!! Its when Mothers Day is!! lol Its when Rusty and I got married (ten years this year!!)!! Its when Maxers was born!! Its when Head Start has its last day!! Its when RCSC has its last day!! Its when Memorial Day is and that means lakes and pools open for the season!! Dunes, yay!!!

Isnt that a bunch of exciting stuff?? I think so.

Today marked the first day this year that I laid out in the sun. It was actually hot too!!

Today is also Macs birthday!! Hes a big ole six year old like his brother Sisco (his birthday is in Febrary) now. This birthday is especially sweet because on Easter weekend this year we almost lost him to colic. So thankful that the big guy is his old self again. :)

Speaking of thankful, as the dreary months have passed us and the brighter months are beginning, I find myself smiling more and feeling more thankful for all that I have in my life. I have a fantastic family (furry kids included!!) that I wouldnt trade for the world. I have great friends that would do anything for me and me for them. I have a job that I love going to every day. I am very blessed and I dont take it for granted for a second. I know how precious and fleeting it all can be.

I hope that everyone enjoys this month as much as I do!! I dont know when I will blog again. I usually try to have a reason for blogging. Maybe this summer will spew out oodles and oodles of reasons!! lol Or maybe it wont. Ya just never know!!

Til next time....

xoxo

S

Im Either Nuts or Im Normal...

PREFACE: When I had this blog in my head, I didnt have a picture in my head to go with it. I had to write the blog first and then I went in search of a picture to go with it. My first thought was to type in "hold on" in the search box. I found this picture and its perfect. Just thought Id share...


Ok, so my last blog talked about how excited I was for 2010 to go and 2011 to begin. Well, thats still half true.
I discovered as I was watching the ball drop with my husband and kids that a ball was welling in my throat. I was going to cry. I had to suck it up before anybody noticed. It visited me again once everyone was in bed asleep and its been making an appearance every now and then since New Years Eve.
It sounds strange, but as much as I was wanting all of the sadness of 2010 to be gone, I realized that the sadness also held people I love within it. By wanting the sadness to be gone, I was also wanting the people I loved to be gone too, right? Well maybe not, but at the current moment, thats how I feel. I know that no matter if the year changes over, that Owen will not be gone from my heart or my memory. I know that all of my lost loved ones will still be a part of me for as long as I live. I dont know why I am linking the sad events and the people they involved with the year of the events happening? I guess more time and more thinking will straighten it all out.
Or maybe not. lol Im getting used to unanswered questions being a part of my life.
Ill just continue to live and laugh and love and be happy and grateful for what I have. Thats all I can do!! :)
Two blogs in two days......dont get used to that!! ;)
xoxo,
S

The New Year

The new year is coming, the new year is coming!! To say I am excited to put 2010 behind me is an understatement. I am not a big fan of 2010. It just held way too much sadness.
I wont start there though. I will start with saying that 2010 had some goodness too. I think that the biggest good thing that happened this year was my finding my perfect, awesome, fantastic, excellent, wonderful, PERFECT job teaching the most adorable preschoolers on the planet alongside a longtime best friend. Another good from this year is that I also discovered that no matter how many years are between you, how many mishaps and ups and downs between you, if a friendship is true and genuine, it will come together without any hassle, it will pick right up where it left off, it will be stronger than ever, and it will all happen at the PERFECT moment in time. Funny how that works.
Now, to the flip side, the badness. I wont rehash the bad of the year. Although, it would show how lopsided 2010 was in regards to good vs. bad, happy vs. sad. lol I wont be snarky though. I will just say this. I learned from each sad event and I know that each sad event had a purpose in the grand scheme of things. I am constantly learning and growing as a person. This year, though, I can definitely say I changed. My whole outlook on life was rocked to the core. So, now Im starting anew and feeling my way through all of this. Some things changed along with my changing that I didnt expect to change, but its ok. I have faith that those things will work themselves out in time. Until then, every day is lived moment to moment.
My greatest hope for 2011 is that everything evens out. I know its too much to expect that we have no sadness in 2011, so Im willing to compromise and just ask that the good and the bad at least even out this year. I hope that everyone learns from the events of 2010 and applies what they learned to the events to come in 2011. Lets make this a truly HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Out with the old, in with the new...

xoxo,
S

Help!!! Wanted!!!! Needed!! Must find!!!

I have been hunting like crazy for this bracelet!!! Its a Brighton Floral Trellis, number J35651. I have the lovely ladies of Flirt helping me out but they cant find it in Indiana. Anybody out there in another state seen this bracelet anywhere?? :) Send me a message or comment if you have!! I will love you forever and a day!! Thank you!!

xoxo
S

Coping

This has been posted on several of my friends Facebook pages:

This week (and always) we remember all of the babies born sleeping, those whom we have carried but never met, those we have held but could not take home, and the ones that came home but didn't stay. Make this your status if you or someone you know has suffered the loss of a baby. The majority won't do it, because unlike cancer, baby loss is still a taboo subject. Break the silence. In memory of all tiny angels. ♥

While I havent been able to post this as my own status, just because I cant bring myself to do it. I just wanted everyone to know that seeing it and reading the comments that follow it, have really helped me. I am slowing learning that I am not alone in this struggle. I read the comments and I discover that several people I know have experienced what I have gone through, either in their own life or in their family life. I had no idea. Before I went through this I had never known anyone to lose a baby so late into a pregnancy, I never knew that Owen's diagnosis existed. The closest I came is having close friends who had miscarried early in their pregnancy, sometimes multiple pregnancies. A whole new world has been opened to me. Its a world that I wish I didnt have to know about, a world that I wish didnt exist for anyone.

Maybe this is why this happened to me. Maybe I needed to have my eyes opened to this sad world a little bit more.

I am starting to do better. I still have my breakdown moments, but I feel myself getting stronger. It will always hurt, I know that. But I am feeling less and less like I have to have a wall up.

I had to shut out babies and people with babies in order to cope and for that I am sorry. You know who you are. I hope that you know deep in your heart that I did not mean any hurt by it. I just had to do it to protect myself and to be able to move forward.

I think thats all for now...

xoxo,
S

Two Faced

I feel like lately I have two faces. I have the face that most of you see. I also have the face that I keep hidden.


The face that most of you see is the one where Im strong, the one where I can push things out of my mind and function like a normal person. This is the face I have when Im out in public and I have things that distract me and keep my mind occupied. This is the face where I focus on doing things for other people and being there for other people. This is the face you see when Im at work and when Im volunteering at Columbia. This face is the one that I try to keep on for as long as I possibly can each day.


The face I keep hidden is the one where the slightest thing can trigger a breakdown. This is the face that sneaks up on me. It doesnt have to be blatant, in my face, BAM sort of trigger. It just has to be the tiniest little thing that makes me think all over again, "what if", "what could have been", "what wasnt", and those always get followed by the ever lovely, "WHY!?!?". I really struggle with the Why. I think if I knew the Why, everything else would be easier. But, then I realize Ill probably never know the Why.



So, how do I balance these two faces??
As best I can.



xoxo,
S


Maybe one of these days Ill figure it all out and even get back to happy, silly, fun blogs again!!

Aye yi yi!!

How the heck are you supposed to handle being caught off guard in a graceful manner?? Does anyone know? I suck at it, to put it mildly!!

The first time someone asked me about Owen after he died was just a couple of days after he was born. I had to take my oldest to pick up his glasses and the receptionist noticed I wasnt pregnant anymore and was so excited that I had had him. I had to break the news to her that he was stillborn. She felt bad and started crying. I started crying. It was just horrible.

The next time was a couple weeks ago at Maxs school. A little girl from his class last year asked me how my baby was and I just stood there, not knowing what to say or how to answer her. Shes only 7 for cryin out loud!! It doesnt make sense to me as an adult, how is it supposed to make sense to a child?? I think I finally just said that he didnt make it. Whats that even mean? She asked me why and I said that it just happens sometimes. Ugh. I dont think I handled that well.

Since that day I have been able to control it. I think about Owen everyday but since I control when I think about him, Im not caught off guard and Im prepared for it.

Until yesterday when I got caught off guard again by a parent of one of my kids from work. She asked me how the baby was and I was so caught off guard that I played stupid and said huh (like what baby?). She repeated it and I just started tearing up. She felt bad and I felt bad. I went home and cried the rest of the night thinking how much I miss him and how much I suck at being caught off guard and wondering how to be better at it.

I was doing so good, or at least I thought I was. I just dont like surprises. I dont like being caught off guard. I like controlling when I think of Owen so that I dont have a breakdown in public. Yet at the same time I really appreciate that he hasnt been forgotten. Im so complicated, arent I? lol

People keep telling me how strong they think I am. I guess I put up a pretty good front because, to be honest, I dont feel strong. I just feel sad. They say it will get easier with time. Id like to punch "they" in the head. How does it get easier? How can it possibly get easier? How can I ever be content with the fact that I got to hold my baby but I never got to see him open his eyes, or make a sound, or move? I dont think it will ever get easier, but I do think that I will learn how to better be caught off guard. Or, at least, I hope I do.

.

Thats all I got...

.

xoxo

S

Obe La Dee, Obe La Dah

Life does, indeed, go on. Ive attempted many times to blog, but the words never came out right, so I deleted it.

Today was my due date. This is the "final hurdle" in this journey. This is the last thing I have looming that reminds me I lost a baby. I had a small breakdown this morning just thinking about what could have been. I had to rein myself back in and the rest of the day was good.

I had an epiphany last week. I wont go into detail but just know that it was the one thing that put things back into perspective for me. It was the one thing I had to figure out for myself in order for me to be able to move on, move forward. I still have breakdowns every now and then, but at least now I have something to remind myself of that will pull me back to reality.

Things are slowly getting easier. I still have moments of despair, but I think that I always will. I just cant let it run my life. I have other people in my life who count on me. Allowing myself to be normal again, is ok. Thats my mantra.

Its slowly getting easier for me to see other peoples babies and to see other people enjoying their baby and not mourning a loss like I am. Ive discovered that this not only applies to my real life, but also to my TV life. I honestly couldnt watch one of my favorite shows, "Bethenny Getting Married?", because her baby looks so much like Owen from the profile that I thought my heart was being ripped out of my chest whenever they showed her. I think, now, that I have to see these things and endure these things in order to "build my tolerance level", so to speak.

What the future holds, I truly have no idea. I go back and forth. If its meant to be, it will be. Im not going to force the issue. I have to believe that I went on this journey for some reason. Although I have no freaking clue what that reason is at this point. I hope that one day I will know.

Moving on....

The kids have gone back to school. Yes, already. They all seem very happy to be back at school and seeing all of their friends. I keep thinking that next year I will have a high schooler. Man, Im old!!

Chug chug chug....

I get to go back to work soon which I am so looking forward to!! When I started my job, I came in at the tail end of the year. I am excited to see what the beginning and middle are like!!

LOL

Chug chug chug also makes me think of something else besides moving along. Drinking wine. Yes, I have missed it. I had my first drink yesterday. I felt sorta normal again. Now if I could just lose this extra weight so that my clothes fit and I dont have to keep wearing the same pair of capris every stinkin day, Ill be set!!

Thats all.

xoxo,

S