Help!!! Wanted!!!! Needed!! Must find!!!

I have been hunting like crazy for this bracelet!!! Its a Brighton Floral Trellis, number J35651. I have the lovely ladies of Flirt helping me out but they cant find it in Indiana. Anybody out there in another state seen this bracelet anywhere?? :) Send me a message or comment if you have!! I will love you forever and a day!! Thank you!!

xoxo
S

Coping

This has been posted on several of my friends Facebook pages:

This week (and always) we remember all of the babies born sleeping, those whom we have carried but never met, those we have held but could not take home, and the ones that came home but didn't stay. Make this your status if you or someone you know has suffered the loss of a baby. The majority won't do it, because unlike cancer, baby loss is still a taboo subject. Break the silence. In memory of all tiny angels. ♥

While I havent been able to post this as my own status, just because I cant bring myself to do it. I just wanted everyone to know that seeing it and reading the comments that follow it, have really helped me. I am slowing learning that I am not alone in this struggle. I read the comments and I discover that several people I know have experienced what I have gone through, either in their own life or in their family life. I had no idea. Before I went through this I had never known anyone to lose a baby so late into a pregnancy, I never knew that Owen's diagnosis existed. The closest I came is having close friends who had miscarried early in their pregnancy, sometimes multiple pregnancies. A whole new world has been opened to me. Its a world that I wish I didnt have to know about, a world that I wish didnt exist for anyone.

Maybe this is why this happened to me. Maybe I needed to have my eyes opened to this sad world a little bit more.

I am starting to do better. I still have my breakdown moments, but I feel myself getting stronger. It will always hurt, I know that. But I am feeling less and less like I have to have a wall up.

I had to shut out babies and people with babies in order to cope and for that I am sorry. You know who you are. I hope that you know deep in your heart that I did not mean any hurt by it. I just had to do it to protect myself and to be able to move forward.

I think thats all for now...

xoxo,
S

Two Faced

I feel like lately I have two faces. I have the face that most of you see. I also have the face that I keep hidden.


The face that most of you see is the one where Im strong, the one where I can push things out of my mind and function like a normal person. This is the face I have when Im out in public and I have things that distract me and keep my mind occupied. This is the face where I focus on doing things for other people and being there for other people. This is the face you see when Im at work and when Im volunteering at Columbia. This face is the one that I try to keep on for as long as I possibly can each day.


The face I keep hidden is the one where the slightest thing can trigger a breakdown. This is the face that sneaks up on me. It doesnt have to be blatant, in my face, BAM sort of trigger. It just has to be the tiniest little thing that makes me think all over again, "what if", "what could have been", "what wasnt", and those always get followed by the ever lovely, "WHY!?!?". I really struggle with the Why. I think if I knew the Why, everything else would be easier. But, then I realize Ill probably never know the Why.



So, how do I balance these two faces??
As best I can.



xoxo,
S


Maybe one of these days Ill figure it all out and even get back to happy, silly, fun blogs again!!

Aye yi yi!!

How the heck are you supposed to handle being caught off guard in a graceful manner?? Does anyone know? I suck at it, to put it mildly!!

The first time someone asked me about Owen after he died was just a couple of days after he was born. I had to take my oldest to pick up his glasses and the receptionist noticed I wasnt pregnant anymore and was so excited that I had had him. I had to break the news to her that he was stillborn. She felt bad and started crying. I started crying. It was just horrible.

The next time was a couple weeks ago at Maxs school. A little girl from his class last year asked me how my baby was and I just stood there, not knowing what to say or how to answer her. Shes only 7 for cryin out loud!! It doesnt make sense to me as an adult, how is it supposed to make sense to a child?? I think I finally just said that he didnt make it. Whats that even mean? She asked me why and I said that it just happens sometimes. Ugh. I dont think I handled that well.

Since that day I have been able to control it. I think about Owen everyday but since I control when I think about him, Im not caught off guard and Im prepared for it.

Until yesterday when I got caught off guard again by a parent of one of my kids from work. She asked me how the baby was and I was so caught off guard that I played stupid and said huh (like what baby?). She repeated it and I just started tearing up. She felt bad and I felt bad. I went home and cried the rest of the night thinking how much I miss him and how much I suck at being caught off guard and wondering how to be better at it.

I was doing so good, or at least I thought I was. I just dont like surprises. I dont like being caught off guard. I like controlling when I think of Owen so that I dont have a breakdown in public. Yet at the same time I really appreciate that he hasnt been forgotten. Im so complicated, arent I? lol

People keep telling me how strong they think I am. I guess I put up a pretty good front because, to be honest, I dont feel strong. I just feel sad. They say it will get easier with time. Id like to punch "they" in the head. How does it get easier? How can it possibly get easier? How can I ever be content with the fact that I got to hold my baby but I never got to see him open his eyes, or make a sound, or move? I dont think it will ever get easier, but I do think that I will learn how to better be caught off guard. Or, at least, I hope I do.

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Thats all I got...

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xoxo

S

Obe La Dee, Obe La Dah

Life does, indeed, go on. Ive attempted many times to blog, but the words never came out right, so I deleted it.

Today was my due date. This is the "final hurdle" in this journey. This is the last thing I have looming that reminds me I lost a baby. I had a small breakdown this morning just thinking about what could have been. I had to rein myself back in and the rest of the day was good.

I had an epiphany last week. I wont go into detail but just know that it was the one thing that put things back into perspective for me. It was the one thing I had to figure out for myself in order for me to be able to move on, move forward. I still have breakdowns every now and then, but at least now I have something to remind myself of that will pull me back to reality.

Things are slowly getting easier. I still have moments of despair, but I think that I always will. I just cant let it run my life. I have other people in my life who count on me. Allowing myself to be normal again, is ok. Thats my mantra.

Its slowly getting easier for me to see other peoples babies and to see other people enjoying their baby and not mourning a loss like I am. Ive discovered that this not only applies to my real life, but also to my TV life. I honestly couldnt watch one of my favorite shows, "Bethenny Getting Married?", because her baby looks so much like Owen from the profile that I thought my heart was being ripped out of my chest whenever they showed her. I think, now, that I have to see these things and endure these things in order to "build my tolerance level", so to speak.

What the future holds, I truly have no idea. I go back and forth. If its meant to be, it will be. Im not going to force the issue. I have to believe that I went on this journey for some reason. Although I have no freaking clue what that reason is at this point. I hope that one day I will know.

Moving on....

The kids have gone back to school. Yes, already. They all seem very happy to be back at school and seeing all of their friends. I keep thinking that next year I will have a high schooler. Man, Im old!!

Chug chug chug....

I get to go back to work soon which I am so looking forward to!! When I started my job, I came in at the tail end of the year. I am excited to see what the beginning and middle are like!!

LOL

Chug chug chug also makes me think of something else besides moving along. Drinking wine. Yes, I have missed it. I had my first drink yesterday. I felt sorta normal again. Now if I could just lose this extra weight so that my clothes fit and I dont have to keep wearing the same pair of capris every stinkin day, Ill be set!!

Thats all.

xoxo,

S

Our Angel

July 7, 2010

We will always love you, Owen!!!

Mommy

35 weeks

Say hello to Mister No Longer Breech Owen!! :)

xoxo,
S

33 weeks (last week)

This is actually my pic from last week. I didnt ever post it. I take pics every two weeks, so the next one may not even fit on this page. lol I feel like I have really popped out this week. Im hoping that Owen is the one getting all of the food I have been eating. I swear I am channeling my Gramma who eats, then has a snack, then eats, then has a snack, then eats, then has a snack, cuz thats been how my 34th week has gone. I might get in trouble at my next doctors appt. But then again, at our ultrasound, he was a pound underweight according to the tech, so maybe it will all even out. Yeah....lets go with that!! :) Im still continuing to be positive and hopeful and praying everyday. Theres only 40 days left!! HOLY CRAP!!! Keep those prayers coming our way!! :)

xoxo,
S

PS- Look!! I do have a head!! lmao

Reflecting

I have had something rattling around in my head for a while now. I have come to understand part of it, I think. I dont see myself ever understanding the whole thing, but I think that is the point. I am able to take something new away from this experience and I think that is enough to be happy with.
These past few months have been the hardest and most emotionally conflicting months I have ever had to endure. I like for things to make sense, I like to find the answer to things, I am an anal person, I like control, I like organization and I like being able to have a plan in my head for what I want to get accomplished and then get it done. I havent been able to do that so this has been a new experience for me, but one that just because of what it is, has helped me to appreciate it more. It has been a matter of relishing each moment instead of checking things off of a checklist.
When I think about how unexpected this was and how I most likely would be handling it if things hadnt gone the way they had a few months ago, I am certain I would be taking it for granted and be naggy and whiney and annoying. Instead, though, I feel I am really focusing on the positive and enjoying every aspect.
Thats not to say that this still isnt the most difficult thing, but I have just learned to appreciate it because of how difficult it is, in some strange way that I cant fully understand or explain. And even though we still dont know what the outcome will be, I am grateful for the learning and growth that I have been able to experience because of it. I am grateful that my faith has been strengthened throughout this journey.
I dont know if this is the path I was supposed to end up on or if I am way off base, but this is what I have been able to accept in my head. I still have alot more that I dont really understand the reason behind, but at this point in time, thats ok. I dont have to understand everything, I just have to be able to look at myself and know that I was the best person I could be in the hardest time.

xoxo
S

PS. BLTRAK

Summer!!! :)

Lets get caught up, shall we?? :)
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School is out, both for me and for my kids as well. Now the lazy days of summer begin!! Yay!!
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We have been to the Dunes already this summer. Max had been insisting that we go for weeks before school was even out, and so, on his birthday, he got his wish!! It was HOT and a great day for the dunes!! The water was freezing though!!! The kids didnt seem to mind and we all had a great day!! :)
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The RBF is next week and I will be walking in it with my girlies from work and our kids from this past school year!! Im hoping for no humidity that day!! :) Us teachers are wearing shirts that have our personal silly motto on them, "What happens in preschool, stays in preschool!" I decorated mine and Kim's. The kids all got to use Sharpies and decorate their shirts however they wanted. They turned out so cute!! :)
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In baby news, I am 31 weeks today and I am going to see my doctor every two weeks now. I was told two weeks ago that I could only gain two pounds the next time she saw me. This is because I had managed to gain a whopping TWELVE pounds in one month!! Ahh!! It was all that eating at school, holy crap!!! Thankfully school is out now and at my last appointment this past Wednesday, I had actually lost two pounds, so she was pleased. Woohoo!! My iron and sugar tests came back good too. Yay!! She is concerned that lil Owen is breech still and wants me to tell him to turn otherwise its not going to be a very fun delivery day. She will most likely schedule one last ultrasound just to check his size and position. We did talk about delivery day as well because it is my biggest anxiety. She assured me that she would assemble a team who would be caring and supportive and not treat my baby according to the label the amnio gave him. That made me feel better!! Although Owen is doing well and his spine, brain, heart and all of his organs are normal, and his weight and size are good, he is moving constantly (I read that his senses are now all formed and I have noticed that he startles now at loud noises, which is a good sign!!) and hiccuping, we still have that label in the back of our minds and following us wherever we go. I ask that you all please continue your prayers for us as we enter the final stretch. There are less than 10 weeks to go!!! If you could throw in a prayer that the stubborn lil worm un-breeches himself, that would sure help me out alot!! Thanks for all of your prayers, love, and support!!
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I guess I will wrap this up. I hope everyone enjoys their summer!! We have a very busy one ahead of us!! I have family and friends coming home and BBQs and Rusty is doing another wedding, and shew, its exhausting to just think about!!
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Take care of you!! :)
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xoxo,
S