33 weeks (last week)

This is actually my pic from last week. I didnt ever post it. I take pics every two weeks, so the next one may not even fit on this page. lol I feel like I have really popped out this week. Im hoping that Owen is the one getting all of the food I have been eating. I swear I am channeling my Gramma who eats, then has a snack, then eats, then has a snack, then eats, then has a snack, cuz thats been how my 34th week has gone. I might get in trouble at my next doctors appt. But then again, at our ultrasound, he was a pound underweight according to the tech, so maybe it will all even out. Yeah....lets go with that!! :) Im still continuing to be positive and hopeful and praying everyday. Theres only 40 days left!! HOLY CRAP!!! Keep those prayers coming our way!! :)

xoxo,
S

PS- Look!! I do have a head!! lmao

Reflecting

I have had something rattling around in my head for a while now. I have come to understand part of it, I think. I dont see myself ever understanding the whole thing, but I think that is the point. I am able to take something new away from this experience and I think that is enough to be happy with.
These past few months have been the hardest and most emotionally conflicting months I have ever had to endure. I like for things to make sense, I like to find the answer to things, I am an anal person, I like control, I like organization and I like being able to have a plan in my head for what I want to get accomplished and then get it done. I havent been able to do that so this has been a new experience for me, but one that just because of what it is, has helped me to appreciate it more. It has been a matter of relishing each moment instead of checking things off of a checklist.
When I think about how unexpected this was and how I most likely would be handling it if things hadnt gone the way they had a few months ago, I am certain I would be taking it for granted and be naggy and whiney and annoying. Instead, though, I feel I am really focusing on the positive and enjoying every aspect.
Thats not to say that this still isnt the most difficult thing, but I have just learned to appreciate it because of how difficult it is, in some strange way that I cant fully understand or explain. And even though we still dont know what the outcome will be, I am grateful for the learning and growth that I have been able to experience because of it. I am grateful that my faith has been strengthened throughout this journey.
I dont know if this is the path I was supposed to end up on or if I am way off base, but this is what I have been able to accept in my head. I still have alot more that I dont really understand the reason behind, but at this point in time, thats ok. I dont have to understand everything, I just have to be able to look at myself and know that I was the best person I could be in the hardest time.

xoxo
S

PS. BLTRAK

Summer!!! :)

Lets get caught up, shall we?? :)
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School is out, both for me and for my kids as well. Now the lazy days of summer begin!! Yay!!
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We have been to the Dunes already this summer. Max had been insisting that we go for weeks before school was even out, and so, on his birthday, he got his wish!! It was HOT and a great day for the dunes!! The water was freezing though!!! The kids didnt seem to mind and we all had a great day!! :)
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The RBF is next week and I will be walking in it with my girlies from work and our kids from this past school year!! Im hoping for no humidity that day!! :) Us teachers are wearing shirts that have our personal silly motto on them, "What happens in preschool, stays in preschool!" I decorated mine and Kim's. The kids all got to use Sharpies and decorate their shirts however they wanted. They turned out so cute!! :)
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In baby news, I am 31 weeks today and I am going to see my doctor every two weeks now. I was told two weeks ago that I could only gain two pounds the next time she saw me. This is because I had managed to gain a whopping TWELVE pounds in one month!! Ahh!! It was all that eating at school, holy crap!!! Thankfully school is out now and at my last appointment this past Wednesday, I had actually lost two pounds, so she was pleased. Woohoo!! My iron and sugar tests came back good too. Yay!! She is concerned that lil Owen is breech still and wants me to tell him to turn otherwise its not going to be a very fun delivery day. She will most likely schedule one last ultrasound just to check his size and position. We did talk about delivery day as well because it is my biggest anxiety. She assured me that she would assemble a team who would be caring and supportive and not treat my baby according to the label the amnio gave him. That made me feel better!! Although Owen is doing well and his spine, brain, heart and all of his organs are normal, and his weight and size are good, he is moving constantly (I read that his senses are now all formed and I have noticed that he startles now at loud noises, which is a good sign!!) and hiccuping, we still have that label in the back of our minds and following us wherever we go. I ask that you all please continue your prayers for us as we enter the final stretch. There are less than 10 weeks to go!!! If you could throw in a prayer that the stubborn lil worm un-breeches himself, that would sure help me out alot!! Thanks for all of your prayers, love, and support!!
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I guess I will wrap this up. I hope everyone enjoys their summer!! We have a very busy one ahead of us!! I have family and friends coming home and BBQs and Rusty is doing another wedding, and shew, its exhausting to just think about!!
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Take care of you!! :)
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xoxo,
S

Looking back

Normally I would not say this. For this one instance though, I would.

Looking back, I would have made one change.

I would NOT have done the amnio.

I didnt want to do the amnio to begin with. That was the whole reason for going and getting the Level II ultrasound in South Bend. I felt backed into a corner when I decided to do the amnio. I felt bullied and I had just been told that if the one marker they saw was because of what they thought it could be of, my baby could die. I pretty much just said, "Fine, do it." to shut up the cold, mean doctor and get away from him.

I wish I would have stuck to my guns and went with my initial decision to NOT have the amnio, no matter what news they had just told me. I wish that I would have been in the right state of mind instead of making a rushed decision.

As a result of that rushed decision, we now have to endure this LABEL every where we turn and with every doctor and nurse we encounter. I feel like I have doomed my baby with a label he may never be able to escape.

I feel horrible about this. You cant even begin to know how horrible I feel about this.

This label has been the sole reason for all of the emotional distress and roller coasters and fears and downright sucking away of the joy of being pregnant. I have to constantly push it to the back of my mind, not dwell on it, not allow myself to scour the internet. I have to live in anxiety of going into labor and being in a hospital with a staff who KNOWS the label and instead of treating me like a normal woman about to give birth, are waiting for my baby to die.

Can you even come close to imagining what that feels like?

HOW am I supposed to do that? How am I supposed to go through labor, which is hard enough in a normal circumstance, knowing this label, and knowing what it could mean, and knowing that the medical staff all know, and.....

I dont expect anyone to actually answer that question. I cant even answer it for myself and I am living it.

I just have to have faith that them only seeing one marker on BOTH (South Bend and IU Med) of the Level II ultrasounds we have had, is a sign from God that maybe the amnio was wrong with its diagnosis, that maybe our baby will defy this label he has been given, that maybe we can get rid of this label so that he doesnt have to endure my bad decision for one more second after he is born.

I have to have faith that in both of the reports given to my doctor from the Level II ultrasounds, the specialists seemed to have a glimmer of hope. The IU doctor seemed shocked that they didnt find a bunch of things wrong with my baby. There were no major abnormalities found at either scan. The brain and heart and organs were all as they should be. The spine is fine too. The only thing that showed up was this one marker, which can also be found in normal babies as well (that was the second sentence out of the specialists mouths after they told me they had seen this one marker), and is easily fixed.

I just hope and pray the amnio was wrong. I want to have to chance to make amends for this decision I made that labeled my baby.

Looking back, I would have made that one change.

xoxo

S

Today

This is my horse, Sisco.

On days like today, I just want to ride.
I want to ride and not have to think.
I want to not have a care in the world.

I havent been feeling very strong today.
My head has been kicked into overdrive.
I have been thinking things I dont want to think.

Thinking shouldnt be a bad thing.
But when it gets you no where and drains you fast,
Its not a good thing.

I shouldnt think about what I have been thinking about.
I should be positive and strong.
I know I should be.

But today, I wasnt.

I needed my horse today.
I needed to ride today.
I needed to not think today.

xoxo
S

Progression

This pic was taken at 11 weeks (basically right about the time I found out I was pregnant). I could still wear my normal clothes then. lol



This was taken today, at 27 weeks.

I will be entering my third trimester next week. I thank God for every week that Owen grows. I cant look much farther than a week at a time, no matter how much I long to. Keep praying for us and for our miracle!!

xoxo
S

I havent laughed like that in a long time.....

Today at school we had our kids in line to go to a different room. Halfway through the line someone gave me a hug which was followed by another hug from the child behind them, and so on and so on for about 5 or 6 kids. Well on the last lil boy, I guess baby Owen didnt appreciate all of the squeezing and he gave a good KICK to the lil boys head. The lil boy just looked at me like, "Why the heck did you do that?". lmao Kim and I laughed so hard we had tears and I almost peed my pants. I havent had a good laugh like that in over a month. It felt good to laugh and be able to enjoy a special moment like that.

Yesterday at my doctors appointment, baby kicked my doctor when she was palpating him and AGAIN when she was listening with her doppler. She laughed and said, "He is a sassy one!"

If you poke him once, he gets ya back right away!! Its pretty funny. And when he is hungry, do NOT mess with him. I swear he is pinching me until I eat. He definitely has the "Arlene" blood running strong. ;)

I hope and pray that I have many many many more special moments like these!!

xoxo
S

UPDATE: I felt hiccups for the first time tonight. 4/28/10

A Picture Says It All (25.2 weeks)

My Brighton charms...

xoxo
S

Big Ben

Yes, Im a Steelers fan. I blame my mom. She has made me wear Steelers clothing since the days of Terry Bradshaw and Franco Harris. Im not so much a football fan, but I love the Steelers and I love Ben so I will watch it for them. Ben has made some really really crappy choices lately and he is going down the wrong path. It happens way too often in our society. These young people get all this pressure put on them and if they arent taught how to handle it, they get in trouble. I can see both sides of the story when it comes to Ben. I can see him being a cocky perv behaving badly when hes drank too much AND I can see some skank just wanting to take advantage of his fame and get her 15 minutes. That is not the point though. The point is that the NFL finally did what they have needed to do for a long time and they are having Ben get the help he needs. He has a big choice to make and I really really hope he takes this opportunity seriously and takes full advantage of what he is being offered. Its not too late for him to make a fresh start and to be the kind of man he should be and the kind of role model young kids need. I am 100% for therapy and changing behavior. It CAN be done, as long as you WANT it to be done and you can ADMIT that you have changes to make. I will miss you during your suspension, Ben, but I really hope that you use this time wisely and get back on track!! I absolutely do NOT want to see you get yourself traded!! I have the cutest pink #7 jersey!!! Show them you are serious and you want the help and do the work!!! Playtime is over, its time to be a man now and make everyone proud of your behavior again!!

xoxo
S


UPDATE: I wanted to add the statement Ben made about his suspension (courtesy of the Steelers official website):


Statement By Ben Roethlisberger Regarding His Suspension
Posted Apr 26, 2010

"The Commissioner’s decision to suspend me speaks clearly that more is expected of me. I am accountable for the consequences of my actions. Though I have committed no crime, I regret that I have fallen short of the values instilled in me by my family. I will not appeal the suspension and will comply with what is asked of me ─ and more.

Missing games will be devastating for me. I am sorry to let down my teammates and the entire Steelers fan base. I am disappointed that I have reached this point and will not put myself in this situation again.

I appreciate the opportunities that I have been given in my life and will make the necessary improvements.”

MY NEW MOST AWESOME JOB :)

Well folks, it has happened. I didnt think it was ever going to happen. Not since 1995 have I said these words, "I love my job!". Now its 2010 and thats how ever many years since 1995.....I dont do math.......and I can say it again!!

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I LOVE MY JOB!!!! :)

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I started my new job today and seriously, I dont even think I should call it a job, it was way too much fun to be......gasp......work. I get to spend the day with a long time friend who is just as blonde as I am and together we get to play with 3, 4, and 5 years olds and sneak in some learning stuff along the way.

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I was starting to think that I wouldnt use my Psych and Social Work education again in a "job" setting. I use it in every day life, but I never thought I would use it in something that paid me. But now I get to. AND and and, I also get to do that Education thing that I dont have a degree in, but I absolutely love doing!!

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I had a total blast today and I cant wait to go back and see those little smiling faces, asking me "Who are YOU?". lol

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I just wanted to share my good news. Its been a very rough past 4 weeks, and I am so happy and thankful to have good news for a change.

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xoxo

S