Practice What You Preach

I give people chances. Too often too many chances. I want to believe people are good and caring. The Psych side of me wants to believe that if someone has an issue they will want to change it and improve. There are certain things about people that I keep my mind open to. Religion is one of them. I am a huge huge huge question person and I have alot of science in me but I still enjoy learning about... the side that I didn't have alot of growing up, the religious side. In a way I hold people that recite proverbs and excerpts from the Bible to a higher standard. I expect them to be a shining example of what they preach to others. Some truly are. The majority, it seems, are not. They are false. They preach preach preach and throw out Bible this and Bible that. They walk through those church doors every Sunday or Saturday or Wednesday. I'm honestly amazed that they don't burst into flames. If you look closely at this type of person you will see what a scoundrel they are, how they feel superior to people, how they hold others they deem unworthy down, how they use and instigate and manipulate. I am not a religious person, nor am I a perfect person, but I am pretty certain that isn't how God would want His stuff played out.

Just as the nasty people appear to be banding together just out of utter nastiness and because anyone truly good in their life has banished them so they have no one left but fellow nasties...........those of us truly good folk are forming a bond and gaining strength as a unit out of compassion for one anothers experiences with the nasties and are no longer holding back from letting everyone know that we are strong and you cannot hurt us anymore . GOOD will prevail!!!!

xoxo,
S

Personal Life Motto

 I have been trying to think of what to blog about. I have a lot in my head, each and every day. I am still working on things from the past few years, but I don't want to dwell on the past. I have been trying too hard to move forward to allow myself to go back to those places. I am the kind of person who works through stuff on my own........I have been all my life. I don't ask for help, but I will be the first one to help someone else. This is where my trouble lies. Well, the trouble that is the subject of todays blog anyway. ;)

 

As you may or may not know, the past few years haven't been exactly what I would call awesome. I have lost a lot. A quick undetailed recap........ready, set, go!!! I have lost a baby, a job, a "best friend", another job, a horse, another "best friend", and almost myself. That's a lot!!! Too much!! I struggled with the job loss because it was a shot to my ego. I thought a job defined me and set my place. Well, having my reputation trashed and myself blacklisted from working places, I got over the whole job as my identity thing. I decided to focus on being a mom. Ugh. That's a whole other topic too. See!! Too much in my head!! Back on topic.......losing the alleged best friends, well, that was bound to happen. Actually it has happened before, with both of them, and I have a real problem with going backwards when I know if it didn't work out the first time, it wont work the second time, but yet I do it anyway. Duh!!!! That loss really wasn't too much of an impact. Friends. You find out who your TRUE friends are and its usually a surprise!! :) Now lets tackle the final type of loss............the baby and the horse. Wow!! These two were major in my life. I have never ever dealt well with death and to have these kinds of death thrown at me..............so not cool. I lost myself three years ago. Found myself. Ish. Then lost myself HUGELY last year. I am working on finding myself. Its an every day battle and I have to constantly remind myself of..............................drumroll please.................my PERSONAL LIFE MOTTO!!!!!!!!

 

Ok, now that were finally on the actual topic of this blog!! :) My motto. I didn't have one until a few weeks ago. I was sad all the time, I put on a fake smile, I trudged along for the sake of my family, although most days not very well at all, I got angry easily. Actually, I still do. That's probably a whole other subject for me as well. lol I was completely at a loss. I kept going back and drudging up the past and living in a place of wanting people to get major KARMA-ized!!!!!! I could only think of ONE person I wanted to talk to. She is someone who is a straight shooter to a fault. She and I are a lot alike. We both have no filter. We both share tragedies. We both share something else in common but that will remain a secret. I texted her and asked her to give me the honest truth on a few things I had floating in my head that I needed to sort out. She did. She also gave me words of wisdom that sparked a desire to want to have better for myself, to want to not stay in the place I had been for too long. She is my personal motto.

 

BLK 

 

Since that day, things have been better. If I feel myself slipping, I think of her and her words and my motto. She keeps me strong. She is always a text away if I need a quick shot of support. She is an unexpected true friend and I owe her so much.

 

People keep asking me what BLK stands for. It doesn't matter. Its my personal motto and Im the only one who needs to know. And, besides myself, SHE is the only one that knows what it stands for.

 

This blog is a shout out to HER. Thank you now and forever!! Thank you for helping me when nobody else could!!

 

That's all for now...

 

xoxo

S



Long time, no blog

It's been almost a year since I last blogged. That's probably not a good thing. That probably means I've kept too much inside. That probably means I am ready to explode. Probably right. I am going to redesign my page and update things and then I will blog a catching up blog. Although, it won't be very impressive since it's pretty much the same. Shrug. Til then.... S

Me :)

After two years of being a zombie and living for other people, I am now back to being me. I still have some lingering issues stemming from grief that I am constantly working on each and every day but for the most part, I feel like myself again, I feel content and free. I dont know where life is going to take me now, but Im ready!! <3

xoxo,
S

Life

Life. Well, life as I know it for the past 4, almost 5, months has pretty much centered around Leo and making all of the new adjustments to having a baby around after 10 years of not having a baby around. It took a lil bit to get into the swing of things, but now we have a schedule and things are pretty normal. Well, as normal as they ever get in my house. lol

Leo is getting big and is always trying to do things that he should be doing a month from now!! That doesnt stop him though!! He already has two teeth, he is "this" close to sitting up, he blows spit bubbles and thinks its hilarious, hes in the Stranger Fear stage which is not fun at all and makes my family think he hates them which makes me mad cuz hes just a baby and doesnt know what hate is duh, he smiles and laughs, he eats food, he grabs everything, he pulls hair, he screams at the top of his lungs for no reason, and his latest trick is arching his back out of nowhere. Its sad that I only have a few weeks left of being home all day with him, then its back to school and..............hopefully work. Trusting someone else to care for him is a big issue with me. I get anxiety when I think about it. Ugh. Thats normal though, right?

High school. Yes, I now have not one, but two kids in high school. Seriously, how did I get this old? I find myself constantly thinking about how I am going to react to things and how to parent during these teenage years. I remember how I was and it makes me want to pull my hair out. I wasnt a bad kid but I did dumb stuff. It will be a learning process FOR SURE!!

Soccer. Well, it wasnt the sport I had in mind all of these years. Basketball was. But Ive really grown to love it and Im sure once I fully understand it, Ill only love it more. I love love love that I finally have a kid who plays sports though!! Of course its my girl, Hannah!!! Girls rule and boys drool!! ;) Ok ok, Ill grow up now. Actually, Max is going to start playing soccer this fall so that makes two!!! Woohoo!!! I still hold out hope that Leo will be my basketball star!!! hehe

Hopefully work. Did that slip past anyone unnoticed? Well, once again Im in limbo. Ill just have to wait and see what happens with this. My crystal ball is in the shop so I cant see the future right now. Things always find a way to work out, one way or another, so Im hoping this time will be no different.

The second anniversary of Angel Owens birth/death has past. I had anxiety leading up to it. Thats my style. I always seem to anticipate the worst and then once it happens, Im thankfully let down and it wasnt as bad as I had thought it would be. I still miss him every single day, but I honestly feel like Leo is connected to Owen and that helps me.

Animals. My gosh, as if I didnt have enough animals before, now I have even more!! (haha I rhymed) We have added Mocha and Shep to our brood. Mocha is a Cocker mix, hes brown and hes a lil bit pudgey, lmao. I rescued him from my favorite place outside my home, my local animal shelter. Shep is a Shepherd puppy and hes technically hubbys dog. He is also a rescue dog from my local animal shelter. One look at him and I knew he was meant for hubby.

I think thats about all thats new and the latest going on with me!! I gotta run!! Leo just woke up from his nap!!

Til next time....

xoxo,

S

Introducing Baby Leo

Geez, I just realized I hadnt even blogged about Leo being born!!

It was a pretty smooth labor and delivery. Not bad for an old gal, eh?? lol Labor started about 11:30pm and once the clock struck midnight, the contractions got pretty close together. I woke the hubby up and then continued to putz around the house getting things done before I had to leave........of course, I had to keep pausing during a contraction and then quickly do something in the three minutes I had until the next one. lol I eventually called my mom and she came to my house. Then we were on our way. We got to the hospital at 2:30am and I was in my room at 3am. They were quite busy!!! The pain got intense at about 4:30am and I got some Fentanyl. Good good good stuff!! lol Of course, it wore off by the time things got really painful!!! Grr!!! I went from 5cm to 9.5cm in about an hour. The doctor barely made it into the room in time!! I was ready to go with or without him!!! Baby Leo arrived at 5:35am on 2/17/2012 weighing 8 lbs 10 oz and measuring 21 1/4 in long!!  :) We went home the next morning.

He is such a beautiful blessing and we are all enjoying him very much!! His brothers and his sister are so proud of him and so smitten with him. Everyone is so excited he is here!! We all waited for him for so long!!

xoxo,
S

I am a mess...

Im a mess.

Ive been struggling and last night I finally figured out why.

When you lose a baby, it is devastating and heartbreaking and something you never get over. Even if you know you are going to lose the baby, the pain and grief are just the same as not knowing. I went to the hospital with Owen knowing he was gone. Being admitted to the hospital pregnant and then being discharged from the hospital and leaving without a baby in your arms........its unexplainable. The emptiness just doesnt ever seem to leave you. Time stands still. You are left without total closure. Your mind still expects that baby to appear in your arms. But he never does.....

It wasnt until last night that I realized my mind is still waiting for that baby. Even though there is a new baby, my mind is still waiting on the other baby.

So here I am. Im rejoicing the arrival of Leo, but Im mourning the departure of Owen.......again. Im happy, but Im sad. Im content, but I feel guilty. I feel alone, but I wont let anyone in. Im exhausted and drained, but I want to do it all myself.

Im a mess. I told ya.

I dont know if this makes me sound like a horrible person, or if anyone can relate. I just had to get it out. I just wish it helped more......

Til next time...... (hopefully a happier topic, right?)

xoxo,
S

Maternity Photo 36 weeks

I think this will be my last pregnancy photo, so enjoy!! :)

xoxo,
S

Leo's lil corner of the world...

First and foremost, the armoire that my hubby began building for Owen and has now finished for Leo. :) It turned out beautifully and I love it!!



The armoire and the crib, along with some decorating tidbits. :)



Yep, the lil man has a ton of stuff already!! This is just the stuff that was in my closet. He still has a bunch more stuff in the basement!!




My most favorite finishing touch........Angel Owen sitting atop the armoire that daddy built for both of his boys, watching over his baby brother, Leo. LOVE!!

Time is going fast. Our lil guy will be here soon and we pray that he truly is healthy and all goes well with labor and delivery.

Love,
S

December is here....

I am 30 weeks today!! :)

I am doing well and so is baby Leo. He is quite the mover and hiccuper!! He gets them at least 3 times a day!! I had a checkup last Friday and he is measuring a smidge big, was head down at the appt, and I am starting my two weeks appts. Holy cow!! That makes it all seem so........close.

Although things are ok with Leo, I still have a hard time believing its real, that Im really going to bring home a baby this time. I guess after what I went through with my angel Owen, that is perfectly understandable. Sometimes, I find myself slipping up and calling Leo by Owens name. Its such a weird thing, being pregnant with a baby, going to the hospital and having that baby, and then not bringing that baby home. It messes with your head a bit. I know that my Owen is in Heaven watching over us, but sometimes my mind gets confused. Im sure once I see Leo's little face looking at me, everything will fall into place and make sense. I look so forward to that day!! Leo Russell Owen, I cant wait to meet you!! Angel Owen is watching over his baby brother and namesake, keeping him safe. <3

Enjoy this Christmas season with your families and remember to live each day to its fullest!!

xoxo,
S