Aye yi yi!!

How the heck are you supposed to handle being caught off guard in a graceful manner?? Does anyone know? I suck at it, to put it mildly!!

The first time someone asked me about Owen after he died was just a couple of days after he was born. I had to take my oldest to pick up his glasses and the receptionist noticed I wasnt pregnant anymore and was so excited that I had had him. I had to break the news to her that he was stillborn. She felt bad and started crying. I started crying. It was just horrible.

The next time was a couple weeks ago at Maxs school. A little girl from his class last year asked me how my baby was and I just stood there, not knowing what to say or how to answer her. Shes only 7 for cryin out loud!! It doesnt make sense to me as an adult, how is it supposed to make sense to a child?? I think I finally just said that he didnt make it. Whats that even mean? She asked me why and I said that it just happens sometimes. Ugh. I dont think I handled that well.

Since that day I have been able to control it. I think about Owen everyday but since I control when I think about him, Im not caught off guard and Im prepared for it.

Until yesterday when I got caught off guard again by a parent of one of my kids from work. She asked me how the baby was and I was so caught off guard that I played stupid and said huh (like what baby?). She repeated it and I just started tearing up. She felt bad and I felt bad. I went home and cried the rest of the night thinking how much I miss him and how much I suck at being caught off guard and wondering how to be better at it.

I was doing so good, or at least I thought I was. I just dont like surprises. I dont like being caught off guard. I like controlling when I think of Owen so that I dont have a breakdown in public. Yet at the same time I really appreciate that he hasnt been forgotten. Im so complicated, arent I? lol

People keep telling me how strong they think I am. I guess I put up a pretty good front because, to be honest, I dont feel strong. I just feel sad. They say it will get easier with time. Id like to punch "they" in the head. How does it get easier? How can it possibly get easier? How can I ever be content with the fact that I got to hold my baby but I never got to see him open his eyes, or make a sound, or move? I dont think it will ever get easier, but I do think that I will learn how to better be caught off guard. Or, at least, I hope I do.

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Thats all I got...

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xoxo

S

Obe La Dee, Obe La Dah

Life does, indeed, go on. Ive attempted many times to blog, but the words never came out right, so I deleted it.

Today was my due date. This is the "final hurdle" in this journey. This is the last thing I have looming that reminds me I lost a baby. I had a small breakdown this morning just thinking about what could have been. I had to rein myself back in and the rest of the day was good.

I had an epiphany last week. I wont go into detail but just know that it was the one thing that put things back into perspective for me. It was the one thing I had to figure out for myself in order for me to be able to move on, move forward. I still have breakdowns every now and then, but at least now I have something to remind myself of that will pull me back to reality.

Things are slowly getting easier. I still have moments of despair, but I think that I always will. I just cant let it run my life. I have other people in my life who count on me. Allowing myself to be normal again, is ok. Thats my mantra.

Its slowly getting easier for me to see other peoples babies and to see other people enjoying their baby and not mourning a loss like I am. Ive discovered that this not only applies to my real life, but also to my TV life. I honestly couldnt watch one of my favorite shows, "Bethenny Getting Married?", because her baby looks so much like Owen from the profile that I thought my heart was being ripped out of my chest whenever they showed her. I think, now, that I have to see these things and endure these things in order to "build my tolerance level", so to speak.

What the future holds, I truly have no idea. I go back and forth. If its meant to be, it will be. Im not going to force the issue. I have to believe that I went on this journey for some reason. Although I have no freaking clue what that reason is at this point. I hope that one day I will know.

Moving on....

The kids have gone back to school. Yes, already. They all seem very happy to be back at school and seeing all of their friends. I keep thinking that next year I will have a high schooler. Man, Im old!!

Chug chug chug....

I get to go back to work soon which I am so looking forward to!! When I started my job, I came in at the tail end of the year. I am excited to see what the beginning and middle are like!!

LOL

Chug chug chug also makes me think of something else besides moving along. Drinking wine. Yes, I have missed it. I had my first drink yesterday. I felt sorta normal again. Now if I could just lose this extra weight so that my clothes fit and I dont have to keep wearing the same pair of capris every stinkin day, Ill be set!!

Thats all.

xoxo,

S

Our Angel

July 7, 2010

We will always love you, Owen!!!

Mommy

35 weeks

Say hello to Mister No Longer Breech Owen!! :)

xoxo,
S

33 weeks (last week)

This is actually my pic from last week. I didnt ever post it. I take pics every two weeks, so the next one may not even fit on this page. lol I feel like I have really popped out this week. Im hoping that Owen is the one getting all of the food I have been eating. I swear I am channeling my Gramma who eats, then has a snack, then eats, then has a snack, then eats, then has a snack, cuz thats been how my 34th week has gone. I might get in trouble at my next doctors appt. But then again, at our ultrasound, he was a pound underweight according to the tech, so maybe it will all even out. Yeah....lets go with that!! :) Im still continuing to be positive and hopeful and praying everyday. Theres only 40 days left!! HOLY CRAP!!! Keep those prayers coming our way!! :)

xoxo,
S

PS- Look!! I do have a head!! lmao

Reflecting

I have had something rattling around in my head for a while now. I have come to understand part of it, I think. I dont see myself ever understanding the whole thing, but I think that is the point. I am able to take something new away from this experience and I think that is enough to be happy with.
These past few months have been the hardest and most emotionally conflicting months I have ever had to endure. I like for things to make sense, I like to find the answer to things, I am an anal person, I like control, I like organization and I like being able to have a plan in my head for what I want to get accomplished and then get it done. I havent been able to do that so this has been a new experience for me, but one that just because of what it is, has helped me to appreciate it more. It has been a matter of relishing each moment instead of checking things off of a checklist.
When I think about how unexpected this was and how I most likely would be handling it if things hadnt gone the way they had a few months ago, I am certain I would be taking it for granted and be naggy and whiney and annoying. Instead, though, I feel I am really focusing on the positive and enjoying every aspect.
Thats not to say that this still isnt the most difficult thing, but I have just learned to appreciate it because of how difficult it is, in some strange way that I cant fully understand or explain. And even though we still dont know what the outcome will be, I am grateful for the learning and growth that I have been able to experience because of it. I am grateful that my faith has been strengthened throughout this journey.
I dont know if this is the path I was supposed to end up on or if I am way off base, but this is what I have been able to accept in my head. I still have alot more that I dont really understand the reason behind, but at this point in time, thats ok. I dont have to understand everything, I just have to be able to look at myself and know that I was the best person I could be in the hardest time.

xoxo
S

PS. BLTRAK

Summer!!! :)

Lets get caught up, shall we?? :)
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School is out, both for me and for my kids as well. Now the lazy days of summer begin!! Yay!!
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We have been to the Dunes already this summer. Max had been insisting that we go for weeks before school was even out, and so, on his birthday, he got his wish!! It was HOT and a great day for the dunes!! The water was freezing though!!! The kids didnt seem to mind and we all had a great day!! :)
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The RBF is next week and I will be walking in it with my girlies from work and our kids from this past school year!! Im hoping for no humidity that day!! :) Us teachers are wearing shirts that have our personal silly motto on them, "What happens in preschool, stays in preschool!" I decorated mine and Kim's. The kids all got to use Sharpies and decorate their shirts however they wanted. They turned out so cute!! :)
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In baby news, I am 31 weeks today and I am going to see my doctor every two weeks now. I was told two weeks ago that I could only gain two pounds the next time she saw me. This is because I had managed to gain a whopping TWELVE pounds in one month!! Ahh!! It was all that eating at school, holy crap!!! Thankfully school is out now and at my last appointment this past Wednesday, I had actually lost two pounds, so she was pleased. Woohoo!! My iron and sugar tests came back good too. Yay!! She is concerned that lil Owen is breech still and wants me to tell him to turn otherwise its not going to be a very fun delivery day. She will most likely schedule one last ultrasound just to check his size and position. We did talk about delivery day as well because it is my biggest anxiety. She assured me that she would assemble a team who would be caring and supportive and not treat my baby according to the label the amnio gave him. That made me feel better!! Although Owen is doing well and his spine, brain, heart and all of his organs are normal, and his weight and size are good, he is moving constantly (I read that his senses are now all formed and I have noticed that he startles now at loud noises, which is a good sign!!) and hiccuping, we still have that label in the back of our minds and following us wherever we go. I ask that you all please continue your prayers for us as we enter the final stretch. There are less than 10 weeks to go!!! If you could throw in a prayer that the stubborn lil worm un-breeches himself, that would sure help me out alot!! Thanks for all of your prayers, love, and support!!
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I guess I will wrap this up. I hope everyone enjoys their summer!! We have a very busy one ahead of us!! I have family and friends coming home and BBQs and Rusty is doing another wedding, and shew, its exhausting to just think about!!
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Take care of you!! :)
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xoxo,
S

Looking back

Normally I would not say this. For this one instance though, I would.

Looking back, I would have made one change.

I would NOT have done the amnio.

I didnt want to do the amnio to begin with. That was the whole reason for going and getting the Level II ultrasound in South Bend. I felt backed into a corner when I decided to do the amnio. I felt bullied and I had just been told that if the one marker they saw was because of what they thought it could be of, my baby could die. I pretty much just said, "Fine, do it." to shut up the cold, mean doctor and get away from him.

I wish I would have stuck to my guns and went with my initial decision to NOT have the amnio, no matter what news they had just told me. I wish that I would have been in the right state of mind instead of making a rushed decision.

As a result of that rushed decision, we now have to endure this LABEL every where we turn and with every doctor and nurse we encounter. I feel like I have doomed my baby with a label he may never be able to escape.

I feel horrible about this. You cant even begin to know how horrible I feel about this.

This label has been the sole reason for all of the emotional distress and roller coasters and fears and downright sucking away of the joy of being pregnant. I have to constantly push it to the back of my mind, not dwell on it, not allow myself to scour the internet. I have to live in anxiety of going into labor and being in a hospital with a staff who KNOWS the label and instead of treating me like a normal woman about to give birth, are waiting for my baby to die.

Can you even come close to imagining what that feels like?

HOW am I supposed to do that? How am I supposed to go through labor, which is hard enough in a normal circumstance, knowing this label, and knowing what it could mean, and knowing that the medical staff all know, and.....

I dont expect anyone to actually answer that question. I cant even answer it for myself and I am living it.

I just have to have faith that them only seeing one marker on BOTH (South Bend and IU Med) of the Level II ultrasounds we have had, is a sign from God that maybe the amnio was wrong with its diagnosis, that maybe our baby will defy this label he has been given, that maybe we can get rid of this label so that he doesnt have to endure my bad decision for one more second after he is born.

I have to have faith that in both of the reports given to my doctor from the Level II ultrasounds, the specialists seemed to have a glimmer of hope. The IU doctor seemed shocked that they didnt find a bunch of things wrong with my baby. There were no major abnormalities found at either scan. The brain and heart and organs were all as they should be. The spine is fine too. The only thing that showed up was this one marker, which can also be found in normal babies as well (that was the second sentence out of the specialists mouths after they told me they had seen this one marker), and is easily fixed.

I just hope and pray the amnio was wrong. I want to have to chance to make amends for this decision I made that labeled my baby.

Looking back, I would have made that one change.

xoxo

S

Today

This is my horse, Sisco.

On days like today, I just want to ride.
I want to ride and not have to think.
I want to not have a care in the world.

I havent been feeling very strong today.
My head has been kicked into overdrive.
I have been thinking things I dont want to think.

Thinking shouldnt be a bad thing.
But when it gets you no where and drains you fast,
Its not a good thing.

I shouldnt think about what I have been thinking about.
I should be positive and strong.
I know I should be.

But today, I wasnt.

I needed my horse today.
I needed to ride today.
I needed to not think today.

xoxo
S

Progression

This pic was taken at 11 weeks (basically right about the time I found out I was pregnant). I could still wear my normal clothes then. lol



This was taken today, at 27 weeks.

I will be entering my third trimester next week. I thank God for every week that Owen grows. I cant look much farther than a week at a time, no matter how much I long to. Keep praying for us and for our miracle!!

xoxo
S