That's Just the Way It Is

That's just the way it is, the way it's gonna be. Chalk it up to my older age. Chalk it up to being fed up. Chalk it up to having had enough. Chalk it up to whatever you'd like because this is how it's gonna be. I'm a strong person. I'm a helping person. I'm a put myself AFTER others person. If someone needs to talk, I'm there. If someone needs help, I'm there. I've been like this my whole life and although I don't see it changing anytime soon, there will be modifications made. And this is why.........I don't care how strong I am or how much shit I have been through and bounced back from. I don't care how much street cred I got or how I am able to figure shit out on my own and do shit on my own. I don't care that when I'm asked for help I can rock that shit. I don't care that I have good advice. I don't care. What I do care about is reciprocation. I am done with the treat others how you would like to be treated mentality. Ya wanna know why?? Because all that gets me is treated like an option. When I ask for help, I get crickets. When I need someone to talk to, they turn it around to all about them. I get viewed as the strong girl who doesn't need anyone because she can do it all herself. Yer right. But does that give you the right to discard me when I actually put myself out there and admit that I need help, admit that I need to talk? Do you know how much it took for me to get to that point? Do you know what it feels like to have you turn your back when I have had yours time and time again? I'll tell you how it feels......................IT FEELS LIKE SHIT AND I'M SICK OF IT. So, now for the modifications I mentioned. Will I still help ya? You bet. Will I still be there when you need to talk? You bet. Will I still put others before me? Freakin probably, it's who I am. BUT. Here we go. You ready to hear this?? That's rhetorical. I don't give a shit if you're ready or not because you're going to hear it and you're going to hear it right now. DON'T ASK ME FOR HELP IF YOU AREN'T WILLING TO GIVE IT BACK TO ME. DON'T ASK ME TO TALK IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE THERE TO TALK WHEN I NEED TO TALK. DON'T PUT ME IN A POSITION TO PUT YOU BEFORE MYSELF IF YOU WOULDN'T DO THE SAME FOR ME. Easy enough, don't ya think? Now, trust me, I know who my ride or dies are. I also know who some of my ride or dies should be and they have failed me more than once. And I know who won't give me the time of day unless it's all about them. Let's remember I have a Psych degree, shall we? I know your game before you will ever admit your game. I also know that reading this may spark a lil guilt on your behalf, whether it relates to me or to someone else like me in your life. GOOD!! You feel guilty? THEN MAKE SOME CHANGES. STOP BEING A USER AND A POS HUMAN BEING. Only YOU can decide to do that, so do it. Also know this, I only give so many chances. Call it the Capricorn in me, call it survival, call it whatever you want, but know that I have no problem closing the door to you if you do me wrong enough. I can give you references. ;) So, in conclusion, if you aren't there for me when I need you especially after I've been there for you whenever you needed me, then I wouldn't continue to count on me being there for you. It's a two way street, Sweetcheeks. That is all.

Have a good one, yall!!!

Take Care of You

People say I am strong. I even call myself strong. At times though, it can be a blessing and a curse. When you combine it with other things going on in life that have you completely rattled to your core, it tends to be more of a curse than a blessing. In the end though, it usually comes back around to being a blessing.

This past weekend was a whopper for me. Things have been building up inside and have been confusing and when I cant figure stuff out, that is no bueno. Im usually strong and independent and self assured and even sometimes pretty confident. So, when things are going on and they effect all of those traits that define me, its basically an emotional shitfest inside my head. I still havent completely worked through all of the stuff bouncing around in my head, but I have started on it. I am trying to understand it. I am trying to get it figured out and sorted out so that I can stop feeling like this. Im not sure yet what the magic ingredient is. I know what some of the components are and some I can fix on my own, but some involve other people and well, I cant fix that on my own. We will see whether or not they wanna help or hinder. Here is what I know so far.... 

This past weekend, I am pretty sure I had what they call a Nervous Breakdown. I cannot for the life of me figure out why they call it that because I felt angry, sad, confused, lost, helpless, hopeless............at no time did I feel nervous. Lets just call it a Breakdown then, shall we?? Its my blog, so yeah, I can do that. I could feel it all welling up over time. Its so confusing to me, and such a strange place for me to be, that I have had a hell of a time sorting it all out and putting it all to words and trying to make sense of it all so that I can figure out how to move forward. I did what I normally do and got quiet while I tried to have talks with myself in my head. Well, the talks werent working so I went for a drive. I had a mission and that mission failed miserably right in front of my freaking eyes and after that.................BREAKDOWN. Suddenly, I felt such rage and such sadness and such utter loss and despair. I found myself having a very loud conversation with myself that was NOT in my head. I was screaming and crying and punching my steering wheel and trying to figure out WHY WHY WHY!?!??!?!?!? Well, I guess just the venting out loud and not necessarily having to make sense, just saying words and thoughts and feelings out loud to get them all out of my head and into the universe so that maybe I can start to get a grip on all of it and figure it out and move forward.....helped. Some things poured out that I didnt even know were in my head needing to come out, but there they were, being yelled out in my truck. Hmm. Well, ok then. I hadnt completely admitted to myself that that was part of my issues, I guess, but it was and it turned out to be one that was at the forefront and thankfully it was one that I could control myself. Yay!! A little bit of progress!!!! So, after I got done yelling out things, I realized I was basically tattling on myself. I had changed. I had allowed myself to change. I had become someone that definitely was not me and someone that I couldnt even stand. I had let something that made ME............me.........go and that was unacceptable!!! I am NOT a wallflower, I am not a follower, I am not meek and mild, I am not someone to be put under someones thumb, I am not someone to ask permission or be told how to live MY life!!!! So, first step.......get that part of me back right that freakin moment. Check. Next step, for the love of God, learn how to control situations rather than REACTING to them. HOLY WOW, thats a big one for me, so that one will take some time. My lil rager in my truck was actually therapeutic because I had apparently had A LOT built up, but in the future, I would rather be able to control and not react. Another step, dont punch your steering wheel. That thing is solid and that shit hurts. I dont think we need to elaborate further on that one. Id like to say I will throw in not throwing shit (see what I did there lol), but Id be lyin and for the most part, throwin shit it pretty harmless as long as ya got good aim and can replace the thing yer throwin without much cost LOL Sorry, not sorry. Some things are carved in stone, baby!!! ;) Ok, so after all of that went down in my truck, I felt pretty calm. I was at peace with some shit that I had needed to be at peace with for a long time. The "other people" stuff still remains, but there aint a whole lot I can do about that. I just need to focus on myself and being ME and never again allowing myself to stray from who I am or how I choose to live MY life. 

So, thats that. I had that personal situation rattling around in my head for a few days now and thought Id blog about it. Everyone has feelings. Everyone has emotions. All feelings are valid. I tell other people that all the time. I should have been tellin myself that so my lil breakdown could have been avoided. But hey, what they say is true, when ya hit bottom, the only other way ya can go is back up, and thats exactly what Im gonna do!!! Remember, Im strong. I will still stumble, but strong doesnt mean perfect or indestructible. 

Ive got some baby chicks to go love on now!!! Take care of YOU!!! 

Til next time....

Animal Lover to my Core

I felt like I needed to update from my last blog post. I was in a pretty dark place because it had been a rough few weeks and it had taken its emotional toll on me. It takes me a while to work through stuff in my head and get my head back on straight. Earlier this week, I had sworn off any more animals because the heartache and heartbreak gets to be so hard on my heart. I wondered how many times my heart could be broken before it wasnt able to be fixed.

As an animal lover, animal advocate, animal rescuer, I tend to be attracted to those like myself, those who understand my struggles, those who understand the ups and the downs, those who have felt the immense joy of saving an animal and the utter despair of losing one. It has been through those folks that I have been able to get myself sorted out and back on track. They go through the same kind of things that I go through. They know how it feels and how it crushes you and how you still feel guilty even though your head knows you did all you could do, you did the best you could do, you tried your hardest. I guess in seeing my fellow animal advocates go through their losses and struggles, I was able to try to help them through it and by doing that I noticed that I should be listening to my own words. I am thankful every day for these folks. I know that no matter what I say or do or feel, that they understand. 💙

It has been my passion since I was a small child to save all the animals. I was always bringing something home. It usually worked against me because my parents put their foot down. Thats why being an adult with my own place is amazeballs........and that place being my long dreamt of FARM......means there is even more room for the furries and the featheries and nobody can tell me no!!!! hehe I mean, sometimes they try, but if ya know me, ya know I am stubborn and I dont listen.

So....with all that being said, I still want to save all the animals I can. I will always do my best by them and love them every day they are with me. I will always struggle with losing them and that I cannot change. It is also a part of who I am. But another part of who I am is a strong person who always finds a way to carry on. There are so many animals in this world who need animal warriors like myself and my advocate friends, and that need is only getting moreso. I know that I can only do what I can do within reason and I try not to overwhelm myself. I know that I cannot save them all, no matter how much I want to. 

CHEERS to all my fellow animal advocates!!! Know that you MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!! You matter!! You are amazing!!!!! Animals will always depend on you to be their voice, be their warrior!!! We must fight on, despite the tears that may be running down our cheeks, despite our fears of losing another precious soul. WE MUST FIGHT ON!!!!!!

I love you all 💜 Thank you for being who you are!! Thank you for being in my life!!! Thank you for all you do to help animals!!! Thank you for allowing me into your darkest thoughts and sorrows so that you could, in turn, help me through my darkest thoughts and sorrows!!!!!

PS We have our next animal project in mind!! Stay tuned!!! hehe

Til next time.....

Farm Life

That picture was posted on Facebook the other day and it spoke very strongly to me.

(Photo credits to Oak Apple Farm on Facebook)

Look at it.

Let it sink in.

This is my life now.

I am getting to know it all too well.

Some days it is my sanctuary from the world.

Quite frankly, some days it hurts like hell.

When I was a kid, I lived on a farm. Back then, I didn't have to deal with the adult stuff that I get to now. I got to be a kid and just play all day and love on my baby pigs and my baby cows and ride my dirt bike and play in the corn crib. The more years we spent there, the more adult stuff I witnessed. We had a fox get in and kill our ducks. My Dad cut a chickens head off and it was running around the yard without a head. I would shoot my BB gun into a tall Pine tree and one day a bird fell out. I had killed it. I had gotten a baby chick once. Just one. I don't even remember where I got it. It died. I know now that you cannot get just one chick. I used to go all kinds of fun places with my dad when I was young. One day, he took me with him to the slaughterhouse. I'm sure I begged to go with him and then I got to learn where my piggies and cows went when they grew up. Ugh. I couldn't eat dinner after that. And, I got in trouble for not eating my dinner and had to sit at the table for hours until my mom and dad got sick of me sitting there refusing to eat my piggy or cow. 

The farm we have now isn't a raise animals and eat them kinda farm. I don't have the stomach for that. That doesn't mean that since we have lived here we haven't seen our fair share of death and heartache. Some days it feels like more than our fair share. We are an animal rescuing, animal advocating, animals rock more than people, kind of family. We walk our piggies in the yard and get strange looks from our neighbors. We talk to our goats when they talk to us. We walk around the pasture leaving carrot trails for the horses to follow. We sit with chickens and kiss em too. We have barn cats that follow us all over like they are dogs. Our animals are our life here. It's the whole reason we wanted a farm. So we could have all the animals we want and love em every day!!

That doesn't stop the sadness and death from creeping in and crushing us on occasion. We have barn cats that just show up here. None of them fixed, so we fix them. Many of them either old or not well. We have lots of chickens and we will go out and everyone is fine and then we will go back out three hours later and we have a sick chicken or an old chicken that is nearing the end. This doesn't happen every day, and in the grand scheme of things, it probably doesn't happen a lot. It just seems like when it does happen, it happens in waves and it feels like that wave is pushing you down and you can't get back up. We do everything we can, but sometimes it isn't enough and that sucks. We want to keep all our animals with us forever, alive and happy. That isn't reality though. And, on a farm with lots of animals, it can happen more than the average. Every single time it happens, it takes a piece of your heart away. This last time it happened, the most frequent time, I found myself, for the first time in my life, saying I can't do it anymore. I can't get any more animals because they will just die one day. I am still at that point today, to be honest. This year has been tough and it's only three weeks into it. It has been back to back to back losses these three weeks and my strength has seriously been tested, my heart has been broken.

I blog about loss and grief often. It's not like I want to. I'd love to have a happy happy, joy joy, fun fun, blog. I guess that isn't meant to be. Sorry. I write about my life and about what's real and often about what's tough to write about. I write about things in my head that I need to get out. I write about things in hopes that maybe someone else can relate and not feel so alone. Death has always been my biggest downfall, my biggest fear. I absolutely hated it as a kid and I would avoid it and run from it. After losing my horse suddenly in 2012, and in 2010 being told I was going to lose my baby it was just a matter of time as to when it would happen, to losing my old dogs and cats when they were 12 and 19 years old, to losing stray cats that just showed up in our life and we had grown to love them, to losing a chicken who seemed to have been unwell from the very start of her life and I hoped I could be her savior, you would think that it would get easier. Well, it doesn't. So, if I seem quiet or withdrawn, just give me my space. Give me time to sort it all out in my head. Give me time to get back to wanting to bring home another animal or ten. Give me time to get back to ME. In the meantime, give your animals extra love and hugs for me.

Farm life is amazing.

I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

I am at peace among all of my animals.

It's just hard some days.....

Farming teaches you how to be totally responsible and completely powerless.

No truer words have been said.

Til next time,