I have been trying to think of what to blog about. I have a lot in my head, each and every day. I am still working on things from the past few years, but I don't want to dwell on the past. I have been trying too hard to move forward to allow myself to go back to those places. I am the kind of person who works through stuff on my own........I have been all my life. I don't ask for help, but I will be the first one to help someone else. This is where my trouble lies. Well, the trouble that is the subject of todays blog anyway. ;)
As you may or may not know, the past few years haven't been exactly what I would call awesome. I have lost a lot. A quick undetailed recap........ready, set, go!!! I have lost a baby, a job, a "best friend", another job, a horse, another "best friend", and almost myself. That's a lot!!! Too much!! I struggled with the job loss because it was a shot to my ego. I thought a job defined me and set my place. Well, having my reputation trashed and myself blacklisted from working places, I got over the whole job as my identity thing. I decided to focus on being a mom. Ugh. That's a whole other topic too. See!! Too much in my head!! Back on topic.......losing the alleged best friends, well, that was bound to happen. Actually it has happened before, with both of them, and I have a real problem with going backwards when I know if it didn't work out the first time, it wont work the second time, but yet I do it anyway. Duh!!!! That loss really wasn't too much of an impact. Friends. You find out who your TRUE friends are and its usually a surprise!! :) Now lets tackle the final type of loss............the baby and the horse. Wow!! These two were major in my life. I have never ever dealt well with death and to have these kinds of death thrown at me..............so not cool. I lost myself three years ago. Found myself. Ish. Then lost myself HUGELY last year. I am working on finding myself. Its an every day battle and I have to constantly remind myself of..............................drumroll please.................my PERSONAL LIFE MOTTO!!!!!!!!
Ok, now that were finally on the actual topic of this blog!! :) My motto. I didn't have one until a few weeks ago. I was sad all the time, I put on a fake smile, I trudged along for the sake of my family, although most days not very well at all, I got angry easily. Actually, I still do. That's probably a whole other subject for me as well. lol I was completely at a loss. I kept going back and drudging up the past and living in a place of wanting people to get major KARMA-ized!!!!!! I could only think of ONE person I wanted to talk to. She is someone who is a straight shooter to a fault. She and I are a lot alike. We both have no filter. We both share tragedies. We both share something else in common but that will remain a secret. I texted her and asked her to give me the honest truth on a few things I had floating in my head that I needed to sort out. She did. She also gave me words of wisdom that sparked a desire to want to have better for myself, to want to not stay in the place I had been for too long. She is my personal motto.
BLK
Since that day, things have been better. If I feel myself slipping, I think of her and her words and my motto. She keeps me strong. She is always a text away if I need a quick shot of support. She is an unexpected true friend and I owe her so much.
People keep asking me what BLK stands for. It doesn't matter. Its my personal motto and Im the only one who needs to know. And, besides myself, SHE is the only one that knows what it stands for.
This blog is a shout out to HER. Thank you now and forever!! Thank you for helping me when nobody else could!!
That's all for now...
xoxo
S
