Farm Life

That picture was posted on Facebook the other day and it spoke very strongly to me.

(Photo credits to Oak Apple Farm on Facebook)

Look at it.

Let it sink in.

This is my life now.

I am getting to know it all too well.

Some days it is my sanctuary from the world.

Quite frankly, some days it hurts like hell.

When I was a kid, I lived on a farm. Back then, I didn't have to deal with the adult stuff that I get to now. I got to be a kid and just play all day and love on my baby pigs and my baby cows and ride my dirt bike and play in the corn crib. The more years we spent there, the more adult stuff I witnessed. We had a fox get in and kill our ducks. My Dad cut a chickens head off and it was running around the yard without a head. I would shoot my BB gun into a tall Pine tree and one day a bird fell out. I had killed it. I had gotten a baby chick once. Just one. I don't even remember where I got it. It died. I know now that you cannot get just one chick. I used to go all kinds of fun places with my dad when I was young. One day, he took me with him to the slaughterhouse. I'm sure I begged to go with him and then I got to learn where my piggies and cows went when they grew up. Ugh. I couldn't eat dinner after that. And, I got in trouble for not eating my dinner and had to sit at the table for hours until my mom and dad got sick of me sitting there refusing to eat my piggy or cow. 

The farm we have now isn't a raise animals and eat them kinda farm. I don't have the stomach for that. That doesn't mean that since we have lived here we haven't seen our fair share of death and heartache. Some days it feels like more than our fair share. We are an animal rescuing, animal advocating, animals rock more than people, kind of family. We walk our piggies in the yard and get strange looks from our neighbors. We talk to our goats when they talk to us. We walk around the pasture leaving carrot trails for the horses to follow. We sit with chickens and kiss em too. We have barn cats that follow us all over like they are dogs. Our animals are our life here. It's the whole reason we wanted a farm. So we could have all the animals we want and love em every day!!

That doesn't stop the sadness and death from creeping in and crushing us on occasion. We have barn cats that just show up here. None of them fixed, so we fix them. Many of them either old or not well. We have lots of chickens and we will go out and everyone is fine and then we will go back out three hours later and we have a sick chicken or an old chicken that is nearing the end. This doesn't happen every day, and in the grand scheme of things, it probably doesn't happen a lot. It just seems like when it does happen, it happens in waves and it feels like that wave is pushing you down and you can't get back up. We do everything we can, but sometimes it isn't enough and that sucks. We want to keep all our animals with us forever, alive and happy. That isn't reality though. And, on a farm with lots of animals, it can happen more than the average. Every single time it happens, it takes a piece of your heart away. This last time it happened, the most frequent time, I found myself, for the first time in my life, saying I can't do it anymore. I can't get any more animals because they will just die one day. I am still at that point today, to be honest. This year has been tough and it's only three weeks into it. It has been back to back to back losses these three weeks and my strength has seriously been tested, my heart has been broken.

I blog about loss and grief often. It's not like I want to. I'd love to have a happy happy, joy joy, fun fun, blog. I guess that isn't meant to be. Sorry. I write about my life and about what's real and often about what's tough to write about. I write about things in my head that I need to get out. I write about things in hopes that maybe someone else can relate and not feel so alone. Death has always been my biggest downfall, my biggest fear. I absolutely hated it as a kid and I would avoid it and run from it. After losing my horse suddenly in 2012, and in 2010 being told I was going to lose my baby it was just a matter of time as to when it would happen, to losing my old dogs and cats when they were 12 and 19 years old, to losing stray cats that just showed up in our life and we had grown to love them, to losing a chicken who seemed to have been unwell from the very start of her life and I hoped I could be her savior, you would think that it would get easier. Well, it doesn't. So, if I seem quiet or withdrawn, just give me my space. Give me time to sort it all out in my head. Give me time to get back to wanting to bring home another animal or ten. Give me time to get back to ME. In the meantime, give your animals extra love and hugs for me.

Farm life is amazing.

I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

I am at peace among all of my animals.

It's just hard some days.....

Farming teaches you how to be totally responsible and completely powerless.

No truer words have been said.

Til next time,

One Second Delay

Ah grief. That thing that never leaves you. That thing that sneaks up on you when you plan on having a good day and it decides otherwise. That tricky lil buggar that is supposed to be "cured" the more time goes on. Grief. The reality is that it never leaves you. When you lose someone that means so much to you, the grief you feel from losing them is with you every single day. There is something I have noticed since losing my Owen and my Sisco. I call it the "one second delay". You know how TV has the three second delay, so that they can fix any naughty words or whatever they don't want actually airing? Well, grief has a one second delay. On those nights where you actually find yourself sleeping peacefully and your mind is filled with wonderful dreams, when you wake up, there is one second where your brain actually forgets about the grief you live with daily. There is one second where you feel calm and without a care in the world. There is one second where you haven't lost anyone. And then, the second is gone. Your brain kicks in and kicks out all of those calm, peaceful feelings, and the grief comes rushing back in, reminding you full force that your loved ones are still gone and your grief lives on. Blah. The holidays bring out the grief the worst in me. I will make sure to post a happy post soon.

Til then....

Today I Got a TATTOO!!

SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

I have been wanting to bust this out for a while now, but forced myself to keep quiet until it was all done. I GOT A TATTOO!!!!!! Yay!!! I found an idea of what I wanted but then I drew it and perfected it myself. It took a couple of weeks and several different tries to get the one that made me cry. That's how I knew it was the ONE. I already had an appointment made and was collaborating with my tattoo artist to get his input since this was my first tattoo. He probably thinks I'm nuts but he was really great and I felt comfortable the entire time!!

I am not going to show the actual pic online. Eventually I may show portions but I know how the internet is and I just don't want my private design shared and used. 

I got this in memory of my angel Owen and my angel Sisco. If you wanna close your eyes and try to imagine my tattoo, feel free. :) If you look closely you can see an S for Sisco and there are two lil O's for Owen. The three lines on the hearts are for Owen, Sisco, and myself.......our hearts are joined together for infinity. ♥

This day has been kind of emotional. I wasn't nervous or scared about my tattoo. Once I got the tattoo and ever since then today, I have had things pop up that have reminded me of exactly why I wanted to get my memorial tattoo. Some songs I heard and some shows I watched touched a place that I have reserved for Owen and Sisco. In a way, it reassured me that they are with me and that was their way of telling me just that. Today has been a bit teary at times, but then I stop and think, you know what, I went through hell from 2010 to 2012 with what seemed like loss after loss and the universe just knockin me into the ground. It was a very hard thing to bounce back from and I will be the first to admit that I took a hella long time to do so. But now, things are good. I feel like myself, actually I feel better. I have become even stronger than I was and I also gained the knowledge to help others who have to go through something similar. The tears and the sadness will never be something that will completely leave me, but I am determined to be happy, and make my life everything I have ever dreamt of it being. I feel like we are beginning again and life is brighter and sunnier and Someone is on our side!! I feel like I can BREATHE again and it feels wonderful!! :)

Here's looking forward to what lies ahead in life and being able to look down at my wrist and smile at where I have been and how I have learned and grown from what I went through. Cheers!!

Til next time...